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steppingstones (profile) wrote,
on 11-8-2018 at 1:58pm
Subject: on being an enigma
I know why I'm an enigma.

a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand.
synonyms: mystery, puzzle, riddle, conundrum, paradox, problem, quandary

I'm puzzling and difficult to understand because I don't act like I as my whole innate -ness would act.

My trauma and coping mechanisms are antithetical to the person I truly am.

I actually do well with strangers and like turning them into friends. I do well with talking. I do well with leading.

But my trauma and coping mechanisms taught me to keep away from people. To fear them. To stay silent. To follow.

It's not what people feel like they should expect from me.

It confuses them because I don't do what I should be doing.

This is why I'm an enigma.

I no longer see "enigma" as an honorable and special title.
I see it as a yoke. A prison.

I want to be me.

...but I don't want to fight for it.
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