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kit_katt (profile) wrote,
on 3-21-2003 at 9:26pm
Current mood: Hopeless, that's how everything is.
Music: I wish I were the rain-SheDaisy
Subject: I hate being an actress, a jester for the will of men
Tears are shed,
Behind the smile.
Laughter is fed,
Behind the cry of sorrow.

I wish that I could show my emotions more. I was so terribly upset all day today, and I couldn't even show it, I was afraid to be sad, because so many people want to see my smile. (I hate my smile). I hate my mind too. Its always thinking, working, complicating everything. I hate it. Why couldn't I have just sat quiet? I knew that my saying something would not make Connie see herself any differently, it didn't last year, why would it now? But she doesn't understand that the reason I can't be around her is because I can't stand the pressure that it puts me up against. Its not that she "makes" me feel like I can't be a Christian, but then she does, because my ways are not her ways, and since she really won't bend to mine, I have to bend to hers. I guess that's the best way I can describe it. And lately, I started to break. I found myself starting to do things I wouldn't normally do, and I didn't like it. I knew I was picking up habits that I shouldn't. I was letting her sharpen me, instead of the other way around, and I knew then, that I had given up, that I had descided that she didn't want me to help her, so I wasn't going to anymore. That's why I distanced myself, because I didn't see any point in me having a close relationship with her when she came to me for advice, but didn't follow it through, or got upset with me when I told her things that she didn't want to hear (she may not have realized it, but she did. I could tell by her actions and tones when she spoke to me). Brianna, she was just an answer to a prayer that God blessed me with. There I was, unable to support my best friend the way that she wanted to be supported, so I was not a friend at all. Connie and I had singled ourselves out of others after our three years together, so I really had no one else to turn too, but then God gave me Brianna, who I am thankful everyday. Its not that she was a better friend or anything, she just...wanted what I was able to give her. Connie had gone past what I was able to give her. So I couldn't be a friend to her. I wanted to, but I realized I was holding on to something that didn't exist. ( I am NOT going to cry. I have to leave soon, people need to see my smile). I hate my mind. I hate tears, and I hate my smile. I hate the light that shines on me! Making me have to be different then everyone else! I hate this room! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A fallen Jesus Girl
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