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saywhat? (profile) wrote,
on 3-24-2003 at 11:05am
Current mood: blah
Music: India.Arie
Subject: back again
Sooo...I cant belive im actually going to start writting in this thing again, but i havent been able to get the courage to write in my journal again. I guess im just afriad of what i might write..or maybe about writting how i really feel and then having to see it every time i open my journal afterwards.
My life is just kinda in a lul right now. I dont know what i should be doing and its scarey to not have any model to look up to anymore. I never really thought of myself as a follower in any way..but I know i was in that aspect.
I went to Central to be with him. i know that now. And I also know that i cant go back there, everytime i drive up there I cry. everytime im there i cant stop thinking about the times he was in my dorm or the times i went to visit his..when i made him cupcakes for his birthday..i went in his room for the first time a week ago..he still had my birthday card that i made for him. i cant believe he kept it. He has a picture of me in a folder that he took this summer in Maine...theres so many things i wish i could talk to him about..what am i supposed to do now? I dont want to have to figure things out for myself..i keep finding myself trying to be him...in my head im thinking Nick would be doing this..he would be doing or saying something really funny...when i talk to his freinds in my head im thinking..are they comparing me to him..are they dissapointed that Im not as funny or "cool" as him?
And i cant stand that my freinds saw me the way i was when it happened. i know its shallow or...i dont know stupid of my to feel that way..but i cant stand the fact that some of my freinds will remember the way i was..a few of my guy friends havent even talked to me since they saw me..in a way i wish i could have just went through it all alone, i know that it helped me when a few of my freinds were there..but God i really lost it a few times, and i hate it that they saw me that way.
I dont know..i really dont. in my head i think.. i just want to give up on things..go into depression..start drinking..isnt that sad? its not me and i know that..its why i havent done either of those things..but at the same time..im not doing ANYTHING..not out of laziness..just the fact that i dont know what to do, or how to do it, or how to i dont even know...its not something I will ever get over or get through..I hate it when ppl say that..how can you say something that is what i dont get..how can you say i will "get over" the fact that i loved someone..more than i have ever loved anyone..he was the person that knew how i felt..that knew what had happened in our past..I know that we grew apart..but God he was the only one that really knew..and now hes not here and he wont ever come back..and the fact that ppl say i will get over that or get through that just makes me so angry. i know that its an awkward situation and that they dont know what to say..i know that. but i cant help the way i feel and i stopeed trying to control them a long time ago. Ok *deep breath* i can tell i havent written anything in awhile..i guess it feels pretty good to do..theres so many things that i want to tell ppl but i know the only reason i want to tell is so they can share my anger and thats not fair...but hey no one knows me here so here we go...Im so angry..i found out last week that Nicks ex was dating one of his very good freinds..and they were hiding it from him..but he found out about it the day before he left and he confronted her freind..now i guess this guy is telling ppl that nick hated him..and although i wouldnt blame him..his 2 best freinds say that he told them what he said and that it had nothing to do with him hating the other guy..and how fair is that? Nick cant defend himself..I guess i just have to trust that the ppl that really knew him would know that Nick would never say that..and what kills me is that his ex invited me over to her apartment the week before i came home from school..i thought she was trying to help me...you know get back into the swing of things..but she had this guy over...and i had no idea..i used to actually like this guy too..like REALLY liked him..he was ingaged or something..what ever happened to that huh? wow. i could keep writting and writting but its not worth it. maybe I'll write more later. blah
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