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|mystery (profile) wrote, |
on 4-6-2003 at 12:07am
|"here we are in this crazy, crazy world
circumstance can lead you on to desperation
see the young boy by the river side
throws a stick to the other side
it carries with the rising tide --
sometimes we might reach too high..."
-- from a song that Mary Black sings, i think called "Soul Sister"
it's been such a rough, complicated, incredible, growing week. how is it only saturday night? actually, by now, it's an hour into sunday morning, isn't it. "spring foreward, fall back".
dan and i had a real FUN argument tonight. i hate it when we fight. actually, i'm not sure whether that's true or not. in a way it's a relief, to bring the little things that hurt me out into the open and not just berate myself silently for being hurt for stupid reasons.
i'm starting to doubt the validity of this relationship as a long-term thing. that terrifies me. i don't want to hurt either of us and all this time and he's made me feel so human and i love him so much but i don't know that it's healthy to feel like i have to censor my belief system or be patronized about it for the sake of a relationship. it also seems like a really pathetic reason to end one.
i don't know. i just don't know. every time i'm actually with him i wonder how i could ever have considered leaving but a few weeks later i wonder why i stay. i have a horrible fear that i'm going to break up with him simply because i can't think of any other way to deal with this problem of completely different world views. i'm equally afraid that i'll stay for no other reason than that i'm afraid of leaving. i don't know what to do. or why.
angelboy: i feel like this could all be solved if only i could be sure there was something (anything) you believe in.
letter to a number of people (i can think of four off the top of my head but i know there are and will be others):
i love you. if you ever need me, i'm here. be the strong, beautiful, gentle, incredible person you can be. don't let anything hold you back. i love to see you shine. i will always love you.