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|sumgrlzrkrazie (profile) wrote, |
on 5-21-2003 at 10:43am
|Current mood: groggy
Music: The buzzing of the computers
Subject: Tired...in pain...and sad
|Well...last night was horrible...American Idol was great...but I had a fight w Eric again over something stupid like always...I dont understand how we went from being so compatible to having like "sibling rivalry" its retarted to say the least. So yea I feel last night...and I have a huge bruise on my leg..it is quite sore...and it matches my sprained finger lol...we wont even go there tho.
So yet ahead of me is another fine day at work...for some reason today I feel like it is my last day...like to live..I have this sick feeling in my stomach that is making me sick...its horrible...I think it may be bc of the dream I had last night...I had tried to kill myself...and I was in the hospital and my parents were ther...just my mom and dad...and then eric came to visit...and they had me in restraints on the bed...so I told the nurses not to let him in, bc I didnt want him to see me like that...it felt sooo real...like I think its contributing to my mood right now, seriously. I wonder about it sometimes...like if my mind goes back to that place ...would anyone forgive me...??? Sometimes I just get so frustrated and without medication its hard to control the breakdowns..and lately there have been far too many, there havent this many since christine and I split up over three years ago...it is very hard..for me to be alone..no one sees that...I need people to take care of..and when people take it and then reject it...it kills me...bc I feel like they are forcing me out..and I am so afraid of losing YOU...so afraid,...o great I am crying..that is enough ..I cant take to even right about IT and YOU right now...why can I just stop loving YOU...I need YOU to hold me right now...why cant YOU be here ....?!?