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lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote,
on 5-22-2003 at 9:57am
Current mood: numb
Music: *Staind*Zoe Jane*14 Shades of Gray*
Subject: wonder what's next...don't really want to know though.
hi. i feel really sick and weak right now. im home from school today because my mom wouldnt let me walk to school in the rain, and i didnt have a ride because she is sick as well. i cant believe i allowed all of this to happen all over again, and i think that if i had the chance i would let it again, because im just foolish and retarded like that. thats not me feeling sorry for myself because ive done enough of that lately...tis just me stating a fact. i just want so much to end all of it. it doesnt matter how much i say it because the more i do, the more i want to and the more likely i am. i cried myself to sleep last night, around 1 in the morning. i woke up around 4 and couldnt get back to sleep until around 5ish. woke up at 7:30 and started to get ready for school, just to find out at like 8, that my mom wasnt going to let me go anyway. parents are odd like that. i have a feeling she would have driven me to school if it were different circumstances. she probably knew something was wrong with me. or then again, maybe she didnt and im just hoping that maybe she cares. which i know she does but she could never understand. because its different for everybody when you lose someone you loved as much as i did. still i cant express it, and in a way i feel like i dont have to because it wouldnt matter to him anyway. its funny how one person can make such an impact on your life, make you feel amazing one day and then rip your heart away from you the very next. the world works in the most terrible ways, and im sick of it. i can never say that enough. i talked to erin last night. shes such a good friend, i miss her terribly. i wish she lived closer so that i could see her more often because i really need my big sister right now. i did talk to her on the phone last night though, for about an hour or so. and me being the most pathetic thing on this earth i cried to her and told her things that she probably would have expected from me. its probably me just falling all over again like i always do. i cant help it though. im not strong enough for that and i know it. erin did help though, even though she probably thought she couldnt. sometimes you just need your best friend to boost you up, afterall, nobody wants to be alone in times like this. unless youre f*cking crazy. why are we as human being so damn vulnerable? its almost like we enjoy pain just as much as we do pleasure, because the truth would hurt more than anything else sometimes. its not like i miss him, because i want to hate him as much as i love him. i just miss who i thought he was, the person who i thought cared for me so much and couldnt possibly hurt me so badly. but he did it again and i should have seen it coming. i might as well just settle in and get used to it but i know that i wont. because every time he hurts me its like something completely new and i always look at myself as this horrible thing who must have done something wrong. why doesnt he want me? and poor eddie. caught up in the middle of this and because of what? my selfish desires. theyre so selfish even when i dont even know what they are. but i know it wouldnt matter anyway. i just hope that he'll have it in his heart to forgive me, because i hate to ruin something that could turn out to be the best thing i could have. i hate it though, when people look at me and think that me and *him* were just a phase, not eddie mind you people who have no idea. because its not. and i realized why even after trying to convince myself that it was in fact just a phase, just because i thought it would hurt less. but the truth is it never will. there is nobody in this godforsaken world who could make me feel so horrible except for *him*. nobody could take my heart and do to it what he has, and still get away with it. by now i should just look ahead and move on right? but its not that simple. i know it is for him because its obvious that what he said he felt, was never real. probably an act of sympathy or what have you. you cant spend forever trying to be there for someone who doesnt feel a thing for you. and you cant pretend that they ever will, or that they even think about you when you arent around. you cant spend forever trying to be everything you can for one person, or try to do everything you can, just to please them and only them. then again, you cant spend forever trying to please everyone else as well. so what are we supposed to do? just sit around and watch as life knocks us flat on our ass? i guess i realized that too little too late, and even then it feels as if its taking forever to sink in. he loves me not. i just keep repeating it throughout my head in hopes that it will help me move on, but it doesnt do anything for me at all. because i dont want to believe it. and i feel so bad that i feel bad for myself. i sit, and i cry, and i complain, and i think to myself, why am i the only one who has to feel this pain? why cant he just come back and make everything alright again? why dont i do anything about it? did he even care to begin with, or was it just simply wishful thinking at hand? why do i drag everyone else into my own problems when im feeling down, even though i know they probably have their own to deal with? will everything ever be okay once more or am i going to spend an eternity thinking about what i can never have again? why is it so hard? ....things of that nature. it just doesnt do it though. people go through shyt everyday, and i know its not only me. but still i have the nerve to go and feel this sorry for myself regardless. what do you call that? i guess i know why i always wind up alone in the end. maybe im not meant to have anybody and maybe i should have seen that all along. but maybes can only keep me content for so long. im like a time bomb ready to explode at any second, only there arent any wires you can clip to keep it from happening. and its just a matter of time too, thats all it really is. i don't want to see how it ends because the good guys dont always rush in and make it in time to save the day. well see what happens eventually. -Stephanie
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