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lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote,
on 5-23-2003 at 7:36pm
Music: *Staind*Fray*
Subject: hello again
hello again. nothing much has changed, just feeling the same i suppose, maybe worse if its possible. tis the long weekend and i either have babysitting to do or just staying at home. the only excitement would be going to the mall but i dont even feel up to that lately, its odd. im not sure if ill discuss my problems with any of my friends anymore. i know they say that when you feel like crap you should talk about it, but that just doesnt seem like the case right now. i cant just lie and tell everyone im okay when they ask and i know im not, but i dont feel like i should tell them anything at all anymore, not about this subject at least. i just realized that it upset alot of people when i talked about it with them, and i didnt do it intentionally at all, but they just asked and im not one to lie when it comes to human emotions and wotnot. i love my friends more than anything else in my entire life, but theres just things i have to do for me every once in a while. all in good time they'll understand..yes thats it. theyll understand. they must. please? *cries* i feel like thats all i do lately...make people upset. and its true you know, nto that it would be a stretch, or anything out of the ordinary exactly. i cried today in 2nd hour, then again in 3rd hour and every time somebody would ask whats wrong all i could remember was shaking my head. the same thing went for lunch, and even 5th hour. finally i went to the bathroom and took something to make the pain go away for the moment. and it actually made me a bit hyper, until afterschool. i held up a facade though and i met up with melody outside of the school, and she said that she was walking home, so we stood out there for a while with andi and jen, and then started walking home a while later. it started pouring outside and my clothing, just everything got drenched. i came in the door and my mom told me to go take a hot shower, and she handed me my bathrobe. so i took her offer for the shower and everything was okay again for a while. when i got dressed i called zane, just to hear his voice before he went away for the weekend to his dad's place. it sounds like his life is doing so much better lately. he had to go so we hung up after a fit of silence. and i went on the computer...talked to kathy and bryan for a while before going back to my room and crying. i know you may think that i can just stop it just like that but its just the hardest thing in the world right now. ill be fine one moment, and then anything that even THREATENS relations to my little problem right now just sets me off and im a complete and total wreck. eventually i got up from my bed again and went back online and here i am now. all i can beg from any superior being that may exist, is please just end it for me. take me out of a world that has him in it. because i cant go on like this as much as i love him, it hurts way too much and i hate looking this pathetic, especially around him where he can see that somethings wrong. on the other hand, i feel like i have to keep my head held high, just a part of me feels this way mind you. its like i have to keep fighting for what ill never have just to satisfy my desires and keep myself from falling apart. i HAVE to have some hope that we might end up together again, as slim as those chances are. and i HAVE to walk around like everythings okay so it wont upset him. and i HAVE to make amends with him, i have to make it up to him i just have to. because i feel like when i stop doing all of these things..the single THOUGHT that i might hesitate on doing so..then i remember that hes really gone. just please, im begging whoever is responsible for this insanity called earth, just PLEASE get me out of here. im tired of feeling and being period. just everything is too much. all i want out of this life is death and i KNOW that cant be too much to ask for. i just know. ive been here long enough dont you think? ive felt almost every emotion possible and ive done my time, so just let me go now. im sick and tired of being a puppet to everything that i cant handle. and i know he would be better off without me, no matter how much he wants to deny it. i know everyone would, and they would move on eventually, i know this too. people die all the time right? just suck it up and move on..thats all you have to do. forgive me again, im being heartless. lately theres alot of that going around. with me anyway. i just wish i was half of the person my friends all think i am. i wish i could make them proud but im trying to do whats better for myself and i know that they dont agree. i wish i could be something so much better then this. and take away all of the pain everywhere, because i know theres a hell of alot of it. for now i can only deal with that of my own. and im tired of waiting for it to get up and go away, just tired. i want it over.

-I know, I should go. But i follow you, like a girl possessed. And it hurts me more, than you've ever guessed. If my broken heart could beat, it would break my chest. But i can see, you're unimpressed.

Well i want you notice, to notice when im not around. I know that your eyes see straight through me. And speak to me without a sound. As i walked out this morning, I cried as i walked to the door. I cried about how long i'd be away for. I cried about leaving you all alone. And i wanna hold you, protect you from all of the things ive already endured. And i wanna show you, all of the things that this life has in store for you. And ill always love you.
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