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lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote,
on 5-24-2003 at 3:05pm
Current mood: frustrated
Music: *cold*stupid girl*
Subject: hi once again
this wont be very long. feeling the same as always recently. god..i miss him so much. somebody needs to slap me in the face for feeling this way. anybody. i seem so pathetic to myself. its storming and moms yelling to shut down the comp. ill fix up this entry later. i told you id be back. its about 8:30 at night now. i talked to jeremy earlier and he asked me if i was going to the mall. my parents fucked over my plans for tonight so that wont be happening any time soon, the good thing is that i might be able to go tomorrow night. a part of me doesnt even want to go though, as much as i feel like i do. im being ripped in two different directions by myself. its like one side is saying, go ahead, have fun and try to forget about things..and the other is telling me to dwell on it and stay in my room and continue to think things i dont deserve it or something. theres this other thing that i found to be pretty weird..never in my life have i had the same dream twice. well..last night was the 3rd night that ive had the same gets weirder though. the first was just the beginning portion of it..then the 2nd night..a little bit more was added on from where that last one stopped off. and then last night i had it again. and it finished off. its odd so im not going to say what it was about or what it was involving..but it felt so real, like i expected to wake up the next morning with some of the features from my dream in tact. it was the strangest thing ive ever felt in my life. kinda scary in a way. i dont know what its supposed to mean though. is this the way that things are going to turn out in the end? it cant just be wishful thinking..because it was too perfect..all of it. and the way it just lleft off one night anf then continued right there the next couldnt be. i havent told anyone about this yet. well i guess we'll see what happens. thats what updates are for. anyway, mike was really bothering me earlier. he asked about why eddie has been upset lately and i think i know why. mike was pestering me about it and i tried to explain that i just didnt want to talk about it but he kept going so i ended up kinda lashing out at him. i dont really feel bad about it though. its more my problems than it is eddies. and if eddie doesnt want to say anything to mike about it himself then thats between him and mike. they are way too confusing. well thats it for now so im gonna go. whyyyyy oh why cant things just start getting better? memories suck you know..they really do. *watches the ring because she has nothing else to do*
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