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loupgarou (profile) wrote,
on 07-31-05 at 4:47pm
oops. I accidentally pressed 'enter' and submitted a blank comment reply.

I know that it's not her family, because she loves it when she gets to see her family - more than anything, I think. But I think you pointed out that it wasn't the whole being sick of her family think already lol.
It's not like she's dying yet, either. And I don't think giving up is saving anyone. Not at this point in her life, when she isn't even really sick or dying or anything. It just makes people sad. I think she can afford to put up a good fight before she passes. To be honest, I think it's kind of sad and even cowardly if someone like her doesn't even try. Maybe that's just me being stubborn, but if something like that ever happens to me, I want to be like Mr. Vane. I don't believe he truly gave up to anything. He kept trying his hardest to live a normal life. It wasn't denial, either. He knew what he had and he was happy to explain to anyone why his face looked the way it did, he was just fighting it as best he could by denying it the chance to take over the way he lived.

And I think it hurts more that she doesn't want to talk about it than if she did. It's not for the reason that she doesn't want to hurt us. We're the ones who always nag her about it. It's because she doesn't want to believe it and talk about it. She wants things to be fine the way they are. But I don't know how that's possible when they aren't as fine as they appear to be.

It's just so strange, when you ask a friend if they've met your grandma, and then they reply: "Yeah. The one in the wheelchair?" And then it hits you again and you think: Oh, that's right. She's in a wheelchair. I guess it's more noticeable than I thought . And then you think about it, and you have a hard time even remembering when she didn't need a wheelchair or walker to walk around. But the thing is, she doesn't need one. I know that if she practiced more and tried hard enough, she wouldn't need to rely on that wheelchair, and she wouldn't be so afraid of falling down without it. That's part of what's holding her back. She's so afraid of falling down and breaking something that she won't even try to get up and walk around as often as the doctor says she needs to. Not to say that she doesn't at all, because I've seen her, and it makes me the happiest in the world, watching her show off how she can walk around just fine without her wheelchair, or sometimes with the help of nothing at all.
I have faith that she can do it, as does the rest of her family, but she has no faith in herself.

If I have to cry myself to sleep a few more nights to until she finally does start trying to help herself, I can take a bit of suffering. I just hope she realizes that she can do it, and how sad it makes her family to see her this way. I know that inside it makes her sad too. That's probably what's making her depressed. She sees herself that way, feels miserable, and figures that there's no helping her anyway, so she doesn't bother.

Maybe seeing this will help me so that when I get older I don't do it. I'm the type of person that will feel motivated to do something, and when the free time comes when I can do it, most of the time I end up putting it off because I can always do it later, or it isn't worth it or something. So I can see myself doing what she is doing. But I don't want to be that way. So I'll try my hardest not to.

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