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|duckie (profile) wrote, |
on 12-17-08 at 6:15pm
|My childhood was shattered into a million pieces that I'm still struggling to put back together today. It's funny that I'm going into this for the THIRD time today. Damn, it's been a rough one and wayyy too emotional.
Basically my dad was a fucking jack ass and abused the hell out of me until he was diagnosed with cancer around the time that I turned 13. My mom was clueless and was diagnosed with MS when I was 6, and the whole ride home from dinner I was asking myself what my mom really did for me, and the answer is nothing much aside from helping me with homework and listening to all the cool stuff I learned at school that day. She had absolutely no say in disciplining me; it was all my father who would ground me in front of her then do unthinkable things or bribe me with said things to get out of my groundings. Disgusting.
I hated them both.
Had my dad not been diagnosed with cancer, I probably would have committed suicide before my 14th birthday.
He was the wise one though. Every time that I screwed up, it was a lesson learned and he said some things to me that I will forever cherish and hold close to my heart. We've had some real serious talks, and he's taught me things that I pass on to my friends, and if I ever have kids, I'll pass it on to them too.
My parents sucked fucking balls when I was growing up, and I'm surprised that I still managed to turn out relatively normal. I guess I can thank my friends' parents as well as having amazing teachers who's words also stuck with me.
As a 22, almost 23 year old, I can say that I finally love both of my parents, and surprisingly enough, I feel that I can finally be a daddy's girl and relish in his amazing advice, humor, and wit. My mom is more fragile than ever, and I'm incredibly protective. After extensive therapy on my dad's end, we sort of have an okay relationship.. at least on the outside. Inside, I feel incredibly uncomfortable around him, and I'm still terrified of being alone. Still, he teaches me, and I'm grateful. I have also heard them both say, for pretty much the first time, that they're proud of me. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
I agree with what Raych [I think that was her name] said above me.. you learn from the flaws your parents had/have, and from the mistakes they made while raising you. I am an amazing person because of what I have been through, and I view myself as being strong as hell most days aside from frequent set backs.. it's better than where I used to be.
Sorry for the novel, I guess. It feels good to talk about it sometimes, and I appreciate you listening/reading.