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kate (profile) wrote,
on 7-5-2002 at 5:10pm
Current mood: not really sure
Music: Rocks Tonic Juice Magic by Saves The Day
Hey. I feel so much fucking better. As I was writing that entry yesterday, my best friend was here, but she wasn't reading what I was writing. While I was writing, she was sitting there and she just kind of had a mental breakdown and was crying and saying fuck so many times, it was like worse than the Osbournes. She was saying everything I just had written. Like, that I must hate her. She kept saying how much she hated herself becuz she like stole my boyfriend away and she was just totally bashing herself. She was crying the whole time and then she left the room. I sat there. I was just thinking. and I just felt so fucking better. It was like, I wasn't the only one in pain. Everything that had been killing me had been killing her too. I suddenly started crying, because I was so damn happy. I thought about how much I love her and Brent just wasn't worth it. I love Kamal so much more than him. So I walked out into the living room. She was sitting in a chair stareing at the TV screen. It was on mute, she was just watching it. (It was like 5 in the morning by the way) So I went over to the couch and sat. I wnted to hug her so bad and say how much she was my best friend. We sat there pretty much until the entire show was over, just watching it in silence. Then she sat up and said "I can't sit here anymore" then she kind of went on about some more stuff. then she said "well, are you just gonna sit there and not say anything?" I said "I don't know what to say" She said "well what are you thinking?" I said "I love you" she said "yeah.. " silence "no you don't, you hate me, I mean, I'm a fucking bitch. I come here and steal your boyfriend away whose supposed to love you. You guys are supposed to be together. god, I hate myself" crying. I'm not really sure how we did it but we just kind of made up. I explained to her how I was not mad at her at all or blamed her. After all, it's not her fault, Brent is the one who said everything he said to me to her too, Kamal didn't say it back. She was surprised that I was so happy. It is suc a weird feeling. Yesterday I was so vulnerable, anything could have made me cry. and I loved Brent so much, I would have done like anything to be with him. but now.. It's almost like..fuck it. I mean., think about it, he kind of qualifys fr an ass hole. He says to me how much he likes me and wants to be with me forever and then he says it to my best friend and he said to another girl too, do you know who that was? My sister. I mean c'mon, my FUCKING SISTER. My sister is bitchy prep. I don't know what the hells up with him. I mean, yes, I do still like him but if he wanted me back, I dunno, I don't know if I'd say okay. It really bothers me he did that. I don't really feel special or loved at all anymore. I want to just bitch him out so bad, but he is very suicidal, I don't know what he'd do and I still care for him. He is really a great guy.. AS A FRIEND.. but as a lover, he needs to straighten some things out. Ya know that song, Rocks Tonic Juice Magic by Saves The Day? Fucking go look up the lyrics, I've been listening to this song all day. I want to give it to Brent. It's just perfect for him. but alas.. I wont. My gosh.. I'm not really sure what to feel right now ya know? I've just kind of lost hope in people. You can't trust anyone. I mean man.. Brent.. the only person I thought really was.. just.. everything good and that I needed.. I don't even understand it.. is there anyone good out there? I really wish I knew if I should keep trying or not. The only reasons I'm really living is because of Kamal and honestly, I think my other friends would fuck up their lives without me. I'm only in it to help other people. Why can't I get anything out of it? I'm not gonna kill myself. There, I said it. I said it straight and it's typed so it will be one here if anyone ever needs proof. I want y'all to believe me, I am going to live my life out okay?!!! Just fucking believe me and stop telling me to live, if you keep telling me than maybe I just wont listen one day. Kamal said if I killed myself she would get so fucked up. She said she would come to my house and bitch my mom out for hours and when she was kicked out of my house, she'd bang on the door and keep yelling. I love her to death. I am jealous of Kamal alot, but whenever I'm jealous I just make myself resist it or whatever. I'll look at her and think "I wish I was" then I'll just make myself shut up and be grateful that I have such a good friend as her. I do get jealous but I do try to ignore it,
I think I do fairly well most of the time. Anyway, maybe I'll write more later but I'm in a very nice conversation with my friend's father at the moment so farewell... I feel happy..I think..this is so weird..
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