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	lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote, on 7-8-2003 at 2:58pm
Current mood: crushed Music: Simple Plan-I'd do anything Subject: cries
now youre gone i wonder why you left me here i think about it on and on and on again i know youre never coming back im waitin to hear from you until i do i wish i could have told you the things i kept inside and now i guess its just too late i miss you this is goodbye one last time youre gone away, im left alone a part of me is gone and im not moving on so wait for me and where i go youll be there with me forever youll be right here with me and even if i need you here, ill meet you there. ~*~~~~~~~~~~* i talked to ray on the phone around 1 today. he told me that i mean alot to him, and i told him that ive been really upset lately and that i dont want him to leave me. he said that i shouldnt be that upset because its not like hes breaking up with me..but then i asked..yeah well do you plan on it any time soon? and he told me that "well i kinda have to because im moving and all.." that right there crushes me. i still HAVE to talk to him in person because maybe im not making myself clear enough to him. god this cant be happening. then i suggested that we could still talk on the phone, and on the computer and whatnot..and that other people who live in different states do it all the time..and he wouldnt even be moving to a diff state. i even told him that maybe once in a while he could come stay over here for like a week at a time or something..just so that we could still see eachother and everything. he sounded like that was a pretty good idea..but i dont know how wed be able to get him back down here..being that the drive is 5 hours and all. i just wish it wasnt so far. and i wish he knew how much he means to me. goddamnit, if i knew i was going to fall in love with him this hard than i wouldnt have dated him. i didnt know that he was going to be moving once we started dating..i found out a little later on..and even then i didnt have any idea that it would be this soon. 2-3 weeks? i cant handle that. i need him here with me..i want him to stay down here and i would give up everything for him not to leave me. i cant lose him. and it scares me because when we hung up today he didnt say that he loved me..which he usually does. so was that his way of breaking up with me already? im not sure...im so nervous though. i feel like crap and i threw up in the bathroom like 10 minutes ago after i got off of the phone with erin. i hate that i get attatched so earily but we had the perfect relationship...we really did. and i didnt think that anything would be able to come between it. how wrong i was huh? yeah thats for sure. im going to miss him so fucking much i cant take it. its driving me crazy. i cant ever hold him again or kiss him or touch him or listen to him say that he loves me ever again and i just cant do it! i need something to take all of the pain away because i cant go through this again, i just cant. if he really cares than he needs to tell me. he needs to give me a reason to try and work things out with him, or theres just going to be no use in it. and i wanna try i really do, more than anything else in the world i want things to be okay with us. but that just seems so hard right now. everyones telling me to just treasure the time that i DO have left with him..well i want to but how is that gonna be possible when he cant even come out..or he wont even ask because hes afraid his dad will just say no anyway. why not even make the effort? dont i mean that much? as much as he claimed that i did before alll of this was going on? your feelings dont just change like that and i think that i know that more than anyone else because ive realized its damn near impossible to fall out of love with somebody even when you think that you really want to. i really need to tell him all of this and i hope i can just see him one last time before he goes..thats all that i want. just to be with him and go through one day like it didnt have to be the last day that wed be with eachother..id do anything for him. but im starting to question if he feels the same way about me or if he thinks that he can just stop caring now that hes moving away. because thats basicly the impression that hes giving off to me recently. and if he thinks hes too macho to show if he really DOES have feelings for me still..then he needs to throw all of that out the damn window because we got bigger problems to deal with and if im making the effort to cry to him about all of this and leave myself completely vulnerable to any comment that he has to say to me..then he should do the same. im so in love with him i cant see straight..and i cant stand that its all ending so fast..it seems like weve been together so much longer with everything that weve been through and whatnot..i dont wanna lose all of that and i know that he cant honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that it isnt worth giving me and him a try when he moves. i know that he cant. i know guys go abotu their emotions differently but this is just something hes gonna have to let me know if he really cares about me. basicly it all comes down to this. the next couple of weeks are going to be extremely hard so i guess all i can do is just hope that i get some level of support from people..because i need it right now, i really do. love you guys, bye. -Stephanie
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xsexibonitamamix

Uhm..this is a journal comment., 07-09-03 3:10pm

~*Hugs*~ I love you Steph! I know that probably nothing I can say would help or relieve anything you're feeling right now, but I'll be here for you; to listen or lend you a shoulder. Well I will ttyl. MaDd LoVe<33

Renee' *

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	lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote, on 7-8-2003 at 2:58pm
Current mood: crushed Music: Simple Plan-I'd do anything Subject: cries
now youre gone i wonder why you left me here i think about it on and on and on again i know youre never coming back im waitin to hear from you until i do i wish i could have told you the things i kept inside and now i guess its just too late i miss you this is goodbye one last time youre gone away, im left alone a part of me is gone and im not moving on so wait for me and where i go youll be there with me forever youll be right here with me and even if i need you here, ill meet you there. ~*~~~~~~~~~~* i talked to ray on the phone around 1 today. he told me that i mean alot to him, and i told him that ive been really upset lately and that i dont want him to leave me. he said that i shouldnt be that upset because its not like hes breaking up with me..but then i asked..yeah well do you plan on it any time soon? and he told me that "well i kinda have to because im moving and all.." that right there crushes me. i still HAVE to talk to him in person because maybe im not making myself clear enough to him. god this cant be happening. then i suggested that we could still talk on the phone, and on the computer and whatnot..and that other people who live in different states do it all the time..and he wouldnt even be moving to a diff state. i even told him that maybe once in a while he could come stay over here for like a week at a time or something..just so that we could still see eachother and everything. he sounded like that was a pretty good idea..but i dont know how wed be able to get him back down here..being that the drive is 5 hours and all. i just wish it wasnt so far. and i wish he knew how much he means to me. goddamnit, if i knew i was going to fall in love with him this hard than i wouldnt have dated him. i didnt know that he was going to be moving once we started dating..i found out a little later on..and even then i didnt have any idea that it would be this soon. 2-3 weeks? i cant handle that. i need him here with me..i want him to stay down here and i would give up everything for him not to leave me. i cant lose him. and it scares me because when we hung up today he didnt say that he loved me..which he usually does. so was that his way of breaking up with me already? im not sure...im so nervous though. i feel like crap and i threw up in the bathroom like 10 minutes ago after i got off of the phone with erin. i hate that i get attatched so earily but we had the perfect relationship...we really did. and i didnt think that anything would be able to come between it. how wrong i was huh? yeah thats for sure. im going to miss him so fucking much i cant take it. its driving me crazy. i cant ever hold him again or kiss him or touch him or listen to him say that he loves me ever again and i just cant do it! i need something to take all of the pain away because i cant go through this again, i just cant. if he really cares than he needs to tell me. he needs to give me a reason to try and work things out with him, or theres just going to be no use in it. and i wanna try i really do, more than anything else in the world i want things to be okay with us. but that just seems so hard right now. everyones telling me to just treasure the time that i DO have left with him..well i want to but how is that gonna be possible when he cant even come out..or he wont even ask because hes afraid his dad will just say no anyway. why not even make the effort? dont i mean that much? as much as he claimed that i did before alll of this was going on? your feelings dont just change like that and i think that i know that more than anyone else because ive realized its damn near impossible to fall out of love with somebody even when you think that you really want to. i really need to tell him all of this and i hope i can just see him one last time before he goes..thats all that i want. just to be with him and go through one day like it didnt have to be the last day that wed be with eachother..id do anything for him. but im starting to question if he feels the same way about me or if he thinks that he can just stop caring now that hes moving away. because thats basicly the impression that hes giving off to me recently. and if he thinks hes too macho to show if he really DOES have feelings for me still..then he needs to throw all of that out the damn window because we got bigger problems to deal with and if im making the effort to cry to him about all of this and leave myself completely vulnerable to any comment that he has to say to me..then he should do the same. im so in love with him i cant see straight..and i cant stand that its all ending so fast..it seems like weve been together so much longer with everything that weve been through and whatnot..i dont wanna lose all of that and i know that he cant honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that it isnt worth giving me and him a try when he moves. i know that he cant. i know guys go abotu their emotions differently but this is just something hes gonna have to let me know if he really cares about me. basicly it all comes down to this. the next couple of weeks are going to be extremely hard so i guess all i can do is just hope that i get some level of support from people..because i need it right now, i really do. love you guys, bye. -Stephanie
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