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lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote,
on 7-9-2003 at 3:36pm
Current mood: depressed
Music: brand new-seventy times seven
Subject: ray came over last night...
alright well i told alot of people what happened last night so i just went to one of my dead aim conversations that i had logged...and im just going to copy paste all of that in here to save myself having to type all of it all over again and actually think about it. so here we go. like i said it was an im so any personal references made to the person i sent it to on aim..just ignore them or get out and stop reading it. ray came over last night and he attempted to break up with me...key word there..attempted..well see what goes on..here we go. first he said that i mean more to him than anything in the world..that he loves me..and i started sobbing....and he pulled me over to him and he was like "dont..please. youre gonna make me start crying" then i told him everything i was thinking..i said "you dont even want to make the effort to try. i kno people from two different states across the us who are dating..and their just fine. u kno why ray? bcus they love eachother enough to try. wouldnt you rather say that you made an attempt. rather then just give everything up? how much do i mean to you?" and he goes you mean everything to me..and its hard for me because im the one moving....and im like well i need to mean enough to you to at least try..so what if it doesnt work out. maybe it wont..but maybe it will. you cant say that it isnt worth trying..and he got kinda teary...and i was like..ray i love you...i dont wanna lose you..and hes like youre gonna have to....i love you too..so much steph...and then i was like...just take that into consideration.. then he said "damnnit this is just like wha happened when i left my girlfriend in maryland...but this is worse...i dont want to leave and its really hard but i dont see the point...5 hours away steph..im like the point? you want the f-ing point? if you dont see the point now then what made u think that there was "a point" of us being to gether this entire time huh? its not that f-ing easy! i gave you everything..my heart..my f-ing body...it is NOT that f-ing easy to throw it all away without even trying like you dont give a dammn when i know you f-ing do. you wanna know what had no point? NOT f-ing trying. thats f-ing pointless because weve been through alot already and you KNOW that. im like if you cant say anything more..if you cant look me in the fucking eyes and tell me you dont f-ing love me..that you dont f-ing care..then do it and walk away right f-ing now. if you cant give me a better excuse then "theres just no point" then thats something you have to work out yourself without ripping someone elses heart out and throwing it on the f-ing floor.then he said i have to go...im going to get in trouble...but ill think about it..maybe youre right..maybe it can work but only time will tell..wwe still have alot to discuss. and then we hugged and he kissed me on the forehead and he left.....alright well that was it. now i just have to wait and talk to him again. this should prove to be interesting. i talked to robbys step brother and he said that what ray said is bullshit. and that if it were him he wouldnt care because thats love..and we can still talk on the phone and the computer and maybe even see eachother every now and again. that thats what should really matter. this was coming from somebody whos 21 years old mind you. kristen said something similar..she said that love is something that can be 5000 miles apart and still mean the same thing...and she said that we stay together. i do too because this is tearing me apart. as of right now i dont know where the both of us stand but i guess ill find out the hard way this afternoon when i talk to him again about all of this. its like almost 4 right now..and he still hasnt shown up but when i was going to get the mail i saw lev skate by ..i think he was heading for the skate park and like..the only time he goes is when hes with ray. ugh, well see what happens. i hope he thought about what i said because im falling apart here, and he can see that from what went on last night when he came over. so i guess this is where we find out how he really felt all along based on his decisions in the end. hopefully he plays his cards right and doesnt act so ignorant. i love him so much. =/ you always love the people who hurt you the most..i guess thats just the way it goes...miss independent sam..lol..thats the way its gotta be...if he breaks up with me im not dating anyone for a while. and thats a promise that ive broken 50 million times..but im actually sticking to it. i dont know how long because i think that i can admit that im the type of girl who HAS to have a stable boyfriend in her life..but itll be a while until i settle down with anyone again.
bye guys- steph
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