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lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote,
on 7-19-2003 at 1:21am
just end it. take it all away and give it to somebody whose strong enough to deal because im up to my knees in pain that hurts so bad its almost impossible to feel. its blinding and i dont even know who i am anymore..who i can trust,...and i feel like nobody understands what it feels like. and i doubt anyone who even did could help. i try to tell myself its okay but i cant lie to myself or anyone else anymore because it just isnt and thats that. i cant think straight and my chest is pounding so loud that i can hear it the moment i stop sobbing. thats all that really goes on these past couple days...lots of sobbing and pity. none that i really want to have for myself but shit just happens. i dont feel bad for myself. i feel bad that im not doing anything about it..then again i dont because i feel theres nothing i can do anyway. people tell me to move on and get over it..and here i am being a hipocrite and telling other people that things will get better..that lifes hard but you just gotta move on. and i dont even believe that myself. i dont know what i believe in anymore...except that i just want it all to be over and done with because im tired of being unhappy..then happy..and then at the peak of my happiness everything just gets ripped away. im tired of being trapped in this body each morning when someone else whos probably worth it so much probably dying in a hospital somewhere..on a brreathing machine or something. i cant be thankful for what i DO have when every time i turn around the world is dumping shit all over me that i just cant handle anymore. i dont feel like im worth a spot in this world anymore..because if i was then the people who i fall in love with wouldnt turn their back on me and walk away just leaving me like this. so it has to be me. and i dont know what i did wrong. you wanna know the truth? i tell people im over it because i know thats what everybody wants to hear. they say of course..that i can talk about it with them..and so yeah ill talk for a while..but that makes me wanna talk more because i cant get the issue out of my head..then people just get tired of hearing about it. so i might as well just stop bothering them. it hurts so fucking bad..and anything could be better than feeling like this because i dont even know how best to explain this feeling of complete nothingness and everything all at the same time..i feel like a time bomb just waiting to go off..only without the wires that you can cut and stop everything. it wouldnt matter anyway. tell me im crazy, dellusional, helpless..give me all the pity you wish. take full advantage of the fact that everyone can openly pick at my problems and TRY to help..because nothing anyone can say or do will make a difference. as soon as i forget about one problem..a bigger one comes up. and thats how its gona be until its all over. god i cant wait.
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