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godessalthena (profile) wrote,
on 1-29-2004 at 6:19pm
Current mood: anxious
Music: Taking Back Sunday - You Know How I Do
Subject: Hur...
Well... I don't know what to say... I got a balloon today... I let it go... I got my pants dirty today... I have nothing deep or meaningful to say... I guess I'm just nervous about what Lauren is going to say about my entry...

Well... Whatever she says I will try not to take it too deeply causing yet another gash in my heart... But I guess you can't really appreciate the good times without having some bad times...

I like this episode of Cowboy Bebop...

Love,
Amelia

P.S. I censored the entry I made the other day so Lauren can read it on her comp... And here it is:

I love this... Am I nothing to you? Am I just a fall back? Everything I say is taken the wrong way... Everything I do is the wrong thing... No one understands me... I say what I mean and I mean what I say, but no one cares... I can't help but think that you don't consider my love worth your life... I feel so insignificant... Like I did in the fourth grade... Yea, I'm back to my "happy place"...

I hate this... I hate how no one thinks, much less cares, about what I say... I should just stop trying to help... Because I'm not capable of helping, just hurting... Kill me...

Yea, no one will ever ask you out ever again... This was your last chance for happiness and not within the many years you should allow yourself in the futrue you will never find someone to love you... Yea, you're really unlikeable and no one will ever love you again... I'm being sarcastic if you can't tell...

Between you and me, I am the less likely to ever find my special someone... I highly doubt someone will allow me to live that long... I'm not beautiful in any aspect, I'm not clever... I don't know what I think about things, I've never had any kind of relationship that could ever be considered anything more that friendship from more than my end...

But that's okay... Even if I become nothing in your eyes, and I become some shunned hermit living somewhere away from people, I'll still love you... I'll love you until my star grows cold, until time ends... Until the stars grow dim... But I don't think you'll even care...

I would cry, but I find myself unable to... I guess I'm so used to this feeling it doesn't effect me anymore... I know I'm not meant to be loved back... Or have my love considered worthy of another day...

I'm perfectly fine with this... Just... I'm not fine with you killing youself, hurting yourself, or even thinking about that... But I can't change you... I can't change a thing in this world of fake faces and false sympathy...

I want to die since my love matters not to the one person I hold in my heart above all others...

But I'll still love her... Now and forever... And I hope she doesn't feel bad about this, or feel guilty, because she shouldn't... I'm used to it, I can smile, I'll make it through... Because that's what I'm made for... Making it through...

I'm so sorry,
Amelia

P.S. I'm sorry I can't be there for you... I'm sorry that this ever happened... I'm sorry for my life....

I hope that's good enough...
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dragon-bearer

01-30-04 12:28pm

I still don't have time to reply. I'm in English right now. I just want you to know that I love you and I will reply when I get home today. I just hope that you don't get sick from being nervous. I get that alot. And I am nervous as well and will think about what I need to say today.

(reply to this)


dragon-bearer

Everything to me, 01-30-04 7:54pm

Take a deep breath...

You know what? I’m kind of sick about you always talking down to yourself about everything. Not beautiful? Not clever? You have more beauty than anyone I know. You are the sweetest, most kindest person in the world to me. You always get along with everyone, you’re loveable, and that is why you are my best best best friend in the whole entire world. You know why you would have gotten a boyfriend before me if I didn’t get Ryan back? Because you have the bestest personality. It just strikes me as odd why anyone would ever want me…why do you love me Amelia? It’s one simple question. I am rude and inconsiderate. For Christ sake, I did this to you. I made you feel like you do. I made you feel as though you didn’t have a friend in the world, so why be mine? You are everything in my eyes and I’ll care about you forever. I’ll love you forever. Forever is more than a day…a week..a month….a year….a century….a million years…..2 billion light years….I’ll love you when there’s nothing left…, when the universe has ceased to exist. And If you are not ment to be loved back, then I wouldn’t have a purpose. I would be some worthless thing…a plague-sucking up all life around me as though there is no happiness left. Without you, I wouldn’t be me. Without your love, I wouldn’t be able to love. Without you, I couldn’t live. You have changed me from the moment I met you. You change me in the most posative way anyone could ever change. It’s like…….I don’t know how to be me, without you. And how could I not feel bad. I made you feel like I’m not here, and if I were you, I would be if you weren’t here. I’m sorry. And the word sorry convaes all my feelings in a few letters on a screen. Sorry is what will make me know, that you are the most important person. A sincere sorry will never be forgotten. And I will never forget you. I love you, now, always, and forever.

(reply to this)


dragon-bearer

Re: Everything to me, 01-30-04 8:28pm

please, don't shy away from telling me what else u feel...anytime....

(reply to comment)


godessalthena

Re: Re: Everything to me, 01-30-04 8:44pm

I don't try to shy away my feelings... It's just... That's an instant reaction I've built over the years...

I don't get alone with everyone... I'm extremely rude to a lot of people whom I don't hold in high regaurds...

And as for me being your friend and loving you... Well... I don't know how to answer that... When I love someone I don't have a real reason... I just love people... The only thing I need a reason for feeling is hate... But you're just special... I don't know why... But you make me happy when I'm around you...

Except when you're down on yourself...

But I know I love you more than a lot of people... Because I can forgive you so easily... Just like that... It only takes me a day to get over that... Or even a few hours... I can't stay angry at you...

I don't think I could ever imagine what I'd be like if you weren't there for me... Even though I don't tell you how I feel.. Ever... It still means a lot to me that you are open... And if I ever really need to talk... I know you'll be there for me... And that's enough for me...

(reply to comment)


dragon-bearer

Re: Re: Re: Everything to me, 01-30-04 9:25pm

u haven't needed to talk since i've been ur friend. i've been laying all my troubles on u...and i son't want to do that. ur little heart can't take it. but if u even'd it out, and put some of ur troubles on me, then i wouldn't feel so guilty for letting u in on everything. i mean i don't know all ur secrets. hardly ne in fact. u know all of mine....all of them.


(reply to comment)


godessalthena

Re: Re: Re: Re: Everything to me, 01-30-04 9:42pm

the thing is I don't have any secrets that are important... I told you guys my biggest secret at Anna's party...

And I can take it... That's what I like to do... I don't have troubles because nothing really bothers me... I tell you if something is bothering me... Unless it would hurt your feelings... Because it makes me feel like crap when I hurt your feelings...

I like hearing about your troubles... It makes me feel like mine aren't that bad... And gives me respect for what I have...

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dragon-bearer

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Everything to me, 01-31-04 2:41am

Well then I'll be sure to give you lots of my troubles. I got plenty more where that came from. ^^ But like I said, don't hesitate at all in telling me your problems, if you have any. I love to be the mediator or just offer even a smigen of advice...that I hope is good and useful. ^^ But I'll also respect your space. If you don't want to talk, I'll understand, even though I may want to.

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