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|saywhat? (profile) wrote, |
on 2-2-2004 at 11:22pm
|Current mood: cynical
Music: 11 o clock news
Subject: i hope the view from heaven beets the hell out of mine here
|I have nothing better to do. Everyones asleep. which is normal. and im still waiting. Im still waiting. to go to college. to feel normal again. to be happy again. how much longer do i have to wait.
I scare myself when I think about how good I am at making people around me think im happy. or sane...
Today i was driving and i thought...what about if i let go...just let go and close my eyes...if he's "still with me" would he grab the wheel. would he stear me to saftey..i thought that. i sit up in bed..in complete darkness in the middle of the night. and i think: if i just concetrate a little bit harder..if i just sit here and close my eyes and listen with my whole entire heart and body and soul..would i be able to hear him..will i able to say anything to him...no..i couldnt..so i lay back down..and wait for sleep to come which never does...or easily at least. THIS IS NOT ME...but it is. I am seriously losing my mind. Im sick of sleeping on wet pillows..Im sick of being angry at EVERYTHING but i am i am sooooo soo soo mad. and no one even knows. saturday is going to come and go and no one is even going to know...a year ago that day is the a year ago when i lost everything. EVERYTHING. everything alli want to do is write everything until i can just come even close to showing how it feels. to make you understand what i lost. because it was everything. I cant just go back to college. how can i go back when the only college i know was with him. I get sick to my stomach when i think about going. i say i cant because i have to be with people who know me..and know what im going through but they dont. they have no idea. and its only because just by looking you would think im just the same old me. same old freaking prom queen me..never a care in the the world. just as long as everyone around me has a smile on thier face. If i could change places with him i would cause theres no reason for me to be here anymore and i will never amount to anything even close to what he would.
when i cry i hold my breath for as long as i can and everytime i have to inhale it hurts because it means im still here.
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Katy. I love you soo much, i know things are tough, but im confident that you will pull through...just stay strong, as hard as it may seem. I am always here for you no matter what, FOR ANYTHING you ever need, dont be afraid to confide in me. you mean soo much more than you think to everyone around you and you are worthy of every breath you take. just dont forget how much you are loved...i hope everything will slowly start to get better for you. im praying everyday. i love you soo much Katy. your friend FOREVER-Lisa
do you get joy out of making me look like a jackass? cuz it seems like it lately. i dont think i sounded like a bitch in that entry and if i did...i dont care cuz i know it was either marisa or one of her friends. i never make you feel stupid or make fun of anything you write, so why do you do it to me? anyways...i g2g, i have to take my mega bitch ass to my brothers basketball game.
Re: NO, 02-14-04 6:22pm
No i dont get joy out of making you look like a jackass. I was just giving my two cents about the fact you allow strangers to post in your journal and then go spouting off about how no one can say anything unless they KNOW you. And anyways lisa if you have a problem with the things i say then say it to me dont post it in my journal.