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saywhat? (profile) wrote,
on 3-19-2004 at 1:20am
Current mood: reflective
Music: ataris~in this diary
Subject: i forgot about this CD
Im really in the modd to write tonight which will probably end up being a mistake. I used to write every night, of course it was normally about how mean i thought my freinds were who which boy i was in "love" with at the moment...but still just to get out my thoughts every day was so nice. I guess i just stopped when i thought i would only feel one thing for the rest of my life: pain.

Im not gonna say that things are better. They're just different. I dont cry every day anymore, I can normally get so sleep about 75% of the nights out of the week without replaying "that night" in my mind. But theres always those times when i think of something or like yesterday when I saw an ad in the paper advertising Peeps for easter. I remember telling him a story about my trip to flordia where this was this game where you put as many peeps in your mouth and then you had to say Peep Peep....and i told him about this Huge gangsta kid that was doing it and i just remembered exaclty house he reacted and for years after that we'd still joke about the fat gangsta "peep peeing"...i mean i know that there will always be things like that that catch my attention. but they dont necessairly make me smile..not yet at least.

and then theres always times where....its not like i forget that it happened....but its LIKE that...its just something like WOW...hes gone...i cant belive it..its weird that i think about it and bring back the EXACT feelings i had when it happened in the same intensity...Im not going to say that im turning my back on my faith because of this..i just dont know how to approach something that used to bring me joy which i know can never bring me the same kind of niave joy as it did before.

i just want to say, do you really belive that? is the only time you open that bible or write those scriptures is when someone dies? for what? to comfort someone? well think about this oo soo sympathetic person..if you DO believe..then you KNOW that HE will only BE there in HEAVEN waiting for me if he actually ACCEPTED god into his life and let me tell you what...he used to make fun of God...ill be the first one to say i dont KNOW anything and no one besides him and god will...but the fact remains we was defiantly not a public fan of christianity...and if you think those cards and notes with all the phony "god took his angel back home" messages on them helped YOUR WRONG...i think the only thing they left me with was an ingenuine and phony view of my own faith..who knows...

Im in that stupid "finding yoursef " stage times on hundred....i cant do anything right right now.. i feel like everythings just going to get worse and worse until i find out the one thing thats been holding me b ack...i just wish i knew what that was..
i want a punching bag and a guitar right about about weird impulses
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