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| mizu87 (profile) wrote, on 7-15-2004 at 2:29am | |
| Current mood: fine/tired/big pissed Music: The Killers-On Top Subject: buda |
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| Alot happened today.. it's crazy how my days are now.. I'm forgetting .. and. .. I just.. I think I can't live like this anymore.. I just can't.. it's just.. there is something inside me.. that.. can't stand this.. wants more.. always wanting more.. wanting to be out there.. whenever.. wherever.. just when I feel like it.. just go.. and I can't.. I really really can't.. and.. when I do.. I remember I can't.. and.. then.. I just.. get so angry.. and start hating.. and.. I.. can't stop. This morning.. mom cooked breakfast and I ate and Brook called and I stoped eating (it was late, like 12:20 when i just woke up) and so I went to my room and talked to him completly surprised he called. He said he just thought he'd call before work. Which was at 2 btw. We talked and.. he was happy. And.. lastnight.. my horoscope told me to wish on a star so I did.. when we was at the lake fishing I wished that Brook would stop taking those enegry pills and realize that he doesn't need them.. and shit and .. when he talked to me on the phone this morning he said he hadn't taken any and said that he wouldn't unless he was still tired at work. But anyway I was happy he called.. and he was all getting ready while he was on the phone and didn't want to hang up.. he could of just hung up and got ready like he has before but he stayed on the phone.. .. I guess it was his way of saying sorry and that I was still on his mind.. Anyway, dad had to go pay a bill later so I went with him.. did nothing but sit in the car and drive home. I can't even remember like I said but I got ready for church and went and victor came up to the truck and said they was having a meeting and there was no youth so I saw bethany drive off.. and.. i gave victor white bethany's clothes and drove home and mom and dad went fishing and i got on the internet my fuckhead brother was fucking his car and bethany started to talk to me and not about brook and said she was bout to go to cache i said call me and she said she was gonna wash her car so i said pick me up and mom and dad told me not to go anywhere fuck them i'm washing a car and I thought maybe she would stop by and let me say hi to brook since he was at work and so i waited for her to come get me and i heard the phone ring and it was bethany saying my brother wouldn't let her get me so I said fuck him i'll sneak out the back and i tried calling her back on her cell because i had to call ashley back and tell her i was bout to leave because she was about to get a ride out here but then couldn't and beths cell didn't work so I just hopped the back fence walked down the ally saw her car at her grandma's house, went up knocked on the door she was there and we left. She asked how brook was doing and I said fine and working hard and .. we talked about her life.. like we usually do (found out ashley and bethany both have ADD) and found out bethany has a 'best guy friend' who is 26 thank you very much and .. it's yea crazy and .. she said that .. she has little limition because she has a car and a job and this and that and is going places behind her mothers' back making out with guys which is no big deal and loving being single.. .. .. .. white bethany was getting gas at gasmart so bethany pulled in next to her and started talking i told her that brook was working to come say hi and she said i could that she woudl'nt and you did'nt have to tell me twice, i was out that car and walking to tha door. He saw me and came up to me and hugged me.. then tripped over my foot -.-' almost fell over. Oh well but yes.. I enjoyed seeing him and he said 'and don't worrie, I haven't taking any energy strips or pills' and I was happy. Jose was getting gas and Brook said that he had come in and bought like 5 30 packs and said that brook could come over and have 5 beers if he wanted and brook told me that he wasn't going and.. I don't know.. oh and brook was wanting me to go get a nerd rope or just something so he coudl charge it to ihs account. and I said no lol and he said 'quit being a punk i'm buying it so go get sometihng' and i said 'that is why i'm not' becaues he is buying it so.. i just.. i can't do that.. not yet anyway. .. but.. it's just.. .. ah.. and the car wash is like just the next building accross a street so bethany went there and left me to walk over there so.. someone came and brook had to ring them up so I got a paper and brought it over to the counter and read my horoscope and brook came over and i flipped it around and said read it and he looked and saw it was a horoscope and said 'ah!' and walked away saying that those things where dumb and he pressed his forehead to mine and said 'give me a kiss' and I said 'read it first 'and he said it again and i said it again and he sighed and read it and no kiss lol.. i dont' know.. maybe he thought i didn't want to anymore.. but.. ah.. oh well... but.. yea.. left and walked and scrubbed and had to go break a five cause we ran out of coins, she was on the phone and I went back and brook tried to give me a hard time and he said he'd call me later and i said if you ca'nt get through just keep tring till you do and he said sure and.. i left and some guys were looking at me.. some like little 14 or 15 year olds on bikes the little fuckers wanna be's .. god everyone seems to piss me off now a days.. went back and we finished she droped me off in the alley i jumped the fence went to the locked back door and my brother came and was all laughign at me and left me locked out so i started to walk away and he opened the door quck and todl met o get in and .. god i don't even fucking want to talk about it but.. ah.. .. anyway mom said to my brother (i can over hear anything in the house whereever i am) that next time just let me go that it's better to let me go and know where i am then to me go and not know where i am.. and they think i'm getting out of control but i went to wash a fucking car.. goddamn i can't handle this anymore.. i'm moving i can't stand this.. bethany is moving in with that 26 year old 'friend' and it's crazy.. i was really hoping ashley would come down here so .. she could be there for me but.. i really dont' have a friend.. and this is just all. really fustrating for me.. and i just.. i really .. really need to get away.. Doing nothing every day over and over then when I decide to go with the flow.. something pops up and I want to go.. nothing wrong with it.. no drugs, sex, alcohol I can't i get in trouble this and taht and fuck i mean i can't take this.. I just.. need to .. be let loose damnit i really can't stand this quite life anymore.. i can't wait till i'm 18 i really dont' think i can... .. ah.. i need a car.. i mean i can't do nothing i hate being here I really do HATE it .. i mean i just want to cry right now.. go into town and fall asleep on the streets i dont' care.. atleast i'd know i'd be somewhere... here.. there is nothing.. at all.. and.. i just.. can't stand it.. i .. can't stand it.. .. ah.. there is just.. ah.. no one is here for me.. why? why is it like that? why can't anyone understand me? i mean i've tried but.. i just can't open up all the way i want to to ashley but she just .. isn't there anymore.. and.. it's just.. so fustrating.. it really is.. laura came by today to bring me that chinese windchime she bought me in mexico.. .. how nice.. it's gay and cheap but. .. .. last time she went she bought me a keychain.. and just that she is thinking of me.. ya'know? .. and it's also.. i just ..can't keep watchign my friends.. be so stupid over boys and shit.. .. i mean.. sure i'm one to talk but this is serious not about looks and sex and impressions.. and.. it' sjust.... .. ah.. fuck.. i hate my brother.. i dont' even want to talk abou tit he pisses me off and then a friend i want to be there.. that i've reallly wanted to talk to for like 2 weeks.. i just.. can't get ahold of him.. he's more then an internet friend but just isn't there.. wrapped up in his own life and i can respect that .. it's just another slap in the face to me... .. ... ah.. fuck.. what the fuck is wrong with me? .. ah.. I just.. ah.. goddamn.. maybe i can live with ashley's mother and shit .. i mean i really don't want to because her mother seems like a druggie shit or drunk and.. fuck.. i dont know.. i relaly just don't anymore and i don't care.. and.. it scares me but i just.. can't stop.. i really just.. i can't stand this ... and.. ah.. .. i'm really worked up right now.. pissed off at everything.. i just.. want to hop in a car and drive off in the cool night like the time i went to brooks.. it was so nice.. .. .. fuck.. now i'm thinking about doing that again.. righ tnow.. i could.. oh i'd love that.. .. ah.. shit.. i'd get in so much troulbe.. see. fuck.. i can't do what i want to do.. and there is nothing wrong with what i want to do so why can i not do it? why am i not allowed!? it makes no fucking sense i can' stand it damnit.. i want out of this.. i hate it.. ah.. |
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| Anonymous | 07-15-04 11:07pm fuck...wrote a big ass thing here for you but fuckin cunts screwed it up. This time I promise to click "anonymous."
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mizu87 | Re:, 07-16-04 1:05am There is nothing sexual about washing a fucking car.
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