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FreakishIYK (profile) wrote,
on 9-24-2004 at 10:41pm
Music: Seether-"Broken" (the orignal;))
Subject: Times I wish I could fall asleep...and not wake up.
And I do sometimes. You don't feel anything when you're asleep. It's all fake.

I don't know what my deal today is. I'm convinced I have Bipolar. I haven't gone to a psychologist or any kinda of doctor or anything (although my Mom suggested it...guess that's what you get for trying to tell them what goes on in your head, huh?) Anyway, I don't need to pay hundreds of dollars for them to tell me I'm depressed. Thanks, I'm not that stupid, I think I know. Anyway, ever since the thing with dad and the first Mike (I am NOT getting into that) my mood just changes. Sometimes I just wake up and is so depressed. Like now...I'm so depressed I can't even tell you. But I feel incredibly stupid about it. I hate feeling this way, because I don't have a reason to be. The feeling is just so overwhelming sometimes...and Mike just left. It's Friday...he doesn't have to leave until 12, but little Jess called and they're gunna go do stuff with Andy (I saw it coming, honest I did) I just...I didn't want him to go, not while I was feeling like this. When I feel this way I love to have him here and just hang on to him. But instead he thinks I'm mad at him for leaving, which I'm not...I just, I don't know.
Don't think Mike's a bad guy or anything, he made sure I was ok before he left, telling me he loves me and things like that, which is nice. It helps. My pillow still smells like him...God, if I cry again I'm gunna hurt myself. This is nothing, nothing happened, suck it up! Fucking A.

You see, you have to understand something about me. I hate being weak, and having this just pisses me off more. It's pure weakness. I feel weak when I cry, when I'm not strong enough, and I'm beaten, and just things like that. I need to be strong, I want to be strong. But when I feel like this, it just defeats the whole purpose.

Ok, change of subject. We have another Hurricane heading our way. Fucking great. Hurricane Jeanne. Probably another 2 or more weeks without power in my future. You all enjoy your power while you have it. Bastards.

Screw this, I can't do this right now, I've got anger and depression all built up right now, so I'm just going to bed early. Mmm....sleep. Sweet, painless sleep.
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10-21-04 1:01am

Wow ... this diary really went to crap, huh?

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