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holdme (profile) wrote,
on 9-25-2004 at 9:05pm
Subject: Talk about emotionally shattering...
She wants me to make her happy... or be happy that she is... When she never made the effort to make me happy...

This week has been one of the worst. I got abused by my father.... I passed a kidney stone.... and my friend wants me to be happy for her when I can't even handle my own things... She calling me a princess? That she can't have any fun without worrying about how it affects me?! I'M FUCKING DYING OVER HERE AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT! She doesn't stop by to see what's going on... not to see how everything happened. She doesn't even call... She stands from affar and wonders why I'm not at school, and then reads my journal, and doesn't even comment.

Nathan won't bring it up. Allan asks why I'm to hate myself. Patrick offers help, and then leaves. Anna doesn't know. Amelia doesn't care. I've been killing myself and killing myself and people around me aren't speaking up... they aren't seeing how hurt I am... they aren't offering support... They just like to say how horrible it is, and wonder if I'm okay.

Fuck them. Fuck all of them.

Not to mention my boyfriend... Yeah, he called 2 minutes after school got out, yeah he came to visit me for 5 minutes... but that doesn't change the fact that he spent the weekend DDRing it up with his buddies and not worrying about how his girlfriend for nearly a year is doing... WITH A KIDNEY STONE. I doubt he even told anyone, not even his parents that I was abused... and even when I came to him, FIRST.

Crying just takes away what little energy I have left. So just fuck it... But I can't stop.

All I want to know is that someone actually stays with me... and should understand why I am angry... I just want you to understand.
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09-25-04 10:13pm

Wow... Well... You're dying, hm? A kidney stone is dying with a thumb print bruise? Or is there more that you aren't telling me? Like gashes on your wrists or deep purple bruises that look like bats?

I don't understand you. This anger seems completely irrational to me. I never asked you to be happy, I just thought you would be. You say you want to see me happy but when I am you just get so fucking pissed I can't even stand to talk to you.

I'm sorry that your life sucks. You know I can't fix it. I can't even fucking fix my own. You're the one who doesn't care, you're just sick of the thought in your head.

And you're right. I felt bad that you had a kidney stone, they hurt, but you aren't going to die. I'm apathetic, I'm sorry, that's the way I am and you know that. You fucking know I don't care about petty things like kidney stones. I wanted to know about the 'abuse' but you didn't tell me...

I'm fucking sorry I can't read minds and that I'm a wretched friend and a horrid person who's never done a fucking good thing in her entire life. If I disgust you that much why don't you just cut off contact with me.

That's what you're saying to me here.

"Fuck you' usually means I hate your fucking guts so stay the fuck away from me. So that's what I'll do. I'll stay the fuck away from you because you don't care.

You hate me!
You hate me!
You fucking want me to die!
You hate me!

Good luck Lauren, I'll be rooting for you.

(reply to this)


Re:, 09-26-04 1:20pm

So you want to know but you don't ask? It's you who I don't understand...

You say you want to know? You ASK. That's what people do. They ask if they are curious. If you wanted to know about the abuse thing why didn't you ever come and ask me what happened. You never asked me. You never called. You never even commented on my journal. So how am I supposed to know that you give a shit about me? You just say "I wonder what's going on with Lauren" in your journal and that's supposed to mean I dump my whole entire soul onto yours?

You aren't a mind reader? Well how am I supposed to be?

(reply to comment)


Re:, 09-26-04 1:21pm

And just because I'm not really dying doesn't mean it doesn't feel like I am.

(reply to comment)