| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| glitterkisses (profile) wrote, on 10-27-2004 at 10:58am | |
| I feel like I have no options to my own life. Like every situation I've dealt with, that I'm trying to cope with, it just doesn't seem like anything gets better. And doesn't it go, "If you hit rock bottom, you can get any lower , It's only up from here" Like there isn't any choice to any thing. I have no answers, for myself. And it's so stupid, I know it is, but there isn't anything I can do to change anything. I want to, but I just can't make myself do shit. I tell myself, just do it, you have to, and it just doesn't matter. I just don't care! I never know what I should do, what the right answer is, or what I should be doing. Then other times I know *exactlly* what I should be doing, I just can't make myself do it. Which is really pathetic. I feel stupid for it too, that I can't make my own decsions, but I just mess everything up. So I guess I'd rather stall, then actually do anything about it. dfalkdjfughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! And me being disapointed is nobody else's fault but my own. I want things I can't have, and I do things I know are going to get me in way over my head, and there isn't anyone who can help pull me outta them because I just dont care if people do or dont do it. None of this makes sense, I know!!!! Which makes it even dumber that I can't even describe to myself how I feel. I'll run before I deal with it. Even though I know things will never turn around if I just hide and run from things instead of just getting over it. I know I just need to find a way to handle things without getting so emotionally caught up in it. The easiest things tear me to pieces, because I can't do it. Somethings that is nothing is big to me, and something that IS something, means absoluetly jack shit to me. AndI can't help but to just tell people to bud out, even though I DO need them to psuh me, to tell me the things I may not WANT to hear, but NEED to hear. I need the forced hugs, and the forced conversations about things that I'm not all that comfortable talking about. I need that more than I need this. I don't want to care what others think of me, but I do. I care about what the people I care about think of myself. I wish I could let it all roll off my shoulders, and accept the fact that not everyone is going to understand what I mean soemtimes, and where I'm coming from, but I want to be clear, and I want to be understood by someone, and myself. Does ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?!?! I really can be the biggest bitch. I know I can be. And sometimes that is really me, but other times, I honestly just dont want you in perticular to see really that there isn't anything to see at all. This isn't the first time that this has happened between you and I. It's the second. And you'd think that after the first time I would be okay with it, but I'm not. I do care, and for as long as I feel this way, I'm going to try my hardest to speak up and say so becuase you're right you do deserve to know how I feel, and that you do deserve to understand what I'm talking about when we fight. You're leaving, and I just don't feel that way. I never have felt MORE than that. I thought we were both okay with just being what it was. Which is more than a little and less than a lot. I don't care who likes you and who doesn't, that doesn't matter to me, I chose my friends b/c their personality chooses me. If you're a cinical asshole, then chances are, I won't like ya, but I DECIDE who I'm close with and who I'm not. Nobody else. Just me. So screw everybody else. That shouldn't matter and it makes me so mad that you think it does. Becaus eI'm the not that vain and I'm not stuck on all that crap. I'm forcing the hugs today. |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
jennapie | 10-27-04 12:53pm Don't force hugs on me or I will squeeze you to death till I get a real one!! |