Add Memory | Add To Friends
glitterkisses (profile) wrote,
on 11-15-2004 at 10:58am
Subject: As I said goodbye, I decided that this is the first day of the rest of my life
How bad do I want to get out of this school. It's really not the people, or the regular gossip, or outrageous drama...it's the wait. I know I still have two years left. I don't want to wait that long, I can't wait that long. I really cannot stand high school anymore. Some people say it's the best time of their lifes, it's were you meet your best friends for the rest of your life, blah blah blah. Yeah , I've met friends that I do truely love deep down. That mean a lot. But only a few. I probably will never see more than two or three of you after high school again ever in my life. None of this crap in high school is going to matter after I graduate. I wish I was 18, because I would seriously take summer classes this coming summer, so that I would be finished, and then start College in the fall. The more and mroe I think about college, my life after I get out of here, the less and less I care about how things are, how things go. I just feel like this place makes me so immature, and so stupid, and my thoughts and ideas aren't accounted for, because none if it matters when you're a 16 year old cocky, bitch sitting in a classroom. I just want to get away from cedar, move on, to someplace where I WANT to be, someplace where I can start living and devolping the life that I want for myself, not the life I was born into and someone chose for me. I don't like Cedar, I wouldn't ever want to live here. It's too small, it's too quiet, it's too...full of people that I don't like. My history's here, my memories, I don't want something someone picks off a shelf for me. I have my own wants, and goals, and things I want to accomplish, and I can't do any of those things here. I feel so stuck. And I hate it. And it constantly runs through my head, making me hate everything here so much more than I already do.

I kind of feel like all that was for nothing, and it kind of makes me sick to my stomach that you don't care at all. That you're just even more concerned about what caused most of this to begin with. It makes me so angry, so sick to my stomach that I get this feeling that I've honestly never felt before. I'm starting to not care about the situation, but I would never be able to pull off not caring for you. That I will always do. No matter how angry I get. I hate you for not caring about me. For being happy without me. I don't care how that makes me sound to anyone because anyone isn't my concern. You are, were. And I hate you for not caring.

I woke up this morning, with this feeling inside me that I can't explain. Like a weight that I've carried been carried away. But I know that something is coming, I don't know what it is. But I know it's amazing, can save me, my time is coming, I'll find my way out, of this longest drought. I reat life like a picture but it's not a moment that's frozen in time. It's not gonna wait till I make up my mind at all. So while that strom is breakin while there's lifght at the end of the tunnel, I keep running towards it, releasing the pressure thats my heartache. Soon this dam will break.

I guess it just doesn't matter.

*PS*
I Love Kelli!


"Don't forget that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy and pretending to be smart, doesn't make you smart." That qoute....I tell ya.... makes more sense to me than some of the poeple I've know all my life do.

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate Cedar Springs!

<3 Jess Lynn
Post A Comment

.j.e.s.s.

11-15-04 1:39pm

if that is about me... who said i dont care?

i just can't act sad all the time. i can't just walk around being mopey. i can't do that anymore and i figured you dont want anytyhing to change so why walk around depressed about it.

if that makes any sense..

(reply to this)

glitterkisses

Re:, 11-15-04 1:49pm

You didn't have to say anything, your actions were pretty clear and persice to me.

None if it makes sense Jess.

(reply to comment)

glitterkisses

Re: Re:, 11-15-04 1:50pm

*of it

(reply to comment)

.j.e.s.s.

Re: Re: Re:, 11-15-04 2:00pm

my actions of what. i didn't do anything.

and dont say exactly because i dind't say happy b-day to you. the reason for that is i'm obvioulsly not going to come up to you when you're all pissed.

(reply to comment)

glitterkisses

Re: Re: Re: Re:, 11-15-04 2:07pm

Forget I even said anything Jess, because you don't care. I've cryed every single fucking day, the reason why I went home. And you just don't care. so DONT say you do, because you DO NOT act like it! So whatever, if Roman can make you happy constantly without your best friend of ..forever, then I'm happy for you.

(reply to comment)

.j.e.s.s.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 11-15-04 2:11pm

jess you said a thousand times like how much you hate me and how mad you are at me. i was so upset the night you wrote all that shit to me i cryed all fucking night and told myself i wasn't going to school. when i woke up i looked like shit and i just sat there and thought a while becuase i knew i had to go to school and then i decided i was going to school and i can't change what is happeneing so i'm not going to make my day horrible by crying all day and being upset. i was still upset but i knew showing it wouldn't change anytyhing and would just make my day worse. so i've been tryi9ng to make the best of my days. dont think i haven't been upset at all because i have but i can't just be upset when i can't change anything. like everyone keeps telling me how you've told them about how we're fighting and all this stuff. all these people i didn't even think you were friends with so that just makes me feel shittier. and like everyone tells me how you name is i hate you, fuck you blah blah blah so i dont know what to think other than you really do hate me and dont want to be my friend but then i when i read your journal i saw that you actually do care and maybe dont hate me so i thought i should comment because i do care.

but yeah so okay?

(reply to comment)

.j.e.s.s.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 11-15-04 2:12pm

*like they tell me howw your name on msn is i hate you so much blah blah blah.

that's what i was talking about when i said your name. so i figured you really do hate me and just want the world to know it i guess.

(reply to comment)

glitterkisses

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 11-15-04 2:17pm

"Like they tell me how your name on msn in?"

First of all, fuck everyone else. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks. Jess each day that you let go by that you just make me feel like you honestly don't care anything about our friendship, does make me dislike you. Because I could never do that. I tryed and tryed, and I can't. But you OBVIOUSLY could go on day by day, pretending like it doesn't bother you, and never getting up the balls to say anything. Yeah I'm pissed, but that shouldn't have stopped you, and it never has stopped either one of us before. I feel like you don't care if we ever talk again, or are ever best friends again. Like you just don't care about me at all. That you could just run off with Roman now and spend ALL of your time with him, not have to worry about hanging out with your best friend because you were GLAD that you had more time for other things. That's how I feel. And I made that clear, and you still yet haven't even corrected that, if it even can be corrected. I just don't see how this doens't bother you as much as it has me. Unless you really just don't care.

(reply to comment)

.j.e.s.s.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 11-15-04 2:29pm

yeah i just told you more than once that i do care. i'm only not acting like it's affecting me 100% because then my day would just be worse if ever class i moped around and cried about how we aren't friends anymore. i knew that would just make the experience of being at school even MORE unenjoyable so i realized I should just make the best of it. jess i have figured since day one of this stupid fight that you dont want to ever solve things. since you said that!! i mean in that one comment you wrote "we're better off" so i figured thats the way you really feel and it's not going to change and then how everyone is telling me what your name on msn is and stuff so i really feel like you hate me so i dont know what the heck i can do about that. but i really kept thinking about how you would always say and write in those corny letters and stuff like how even if we got in the hugest fight you know you'd still be my best friend becuase we both know we're gonna be friends again so i kept thinking of that and thinking if all that stuff you said could relaly be true since you used to say how we could never NOT be friends so i duno.



(reply to comment)

glitterkisses

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:, 11-15-04 2:33pm

Jess that's what I'm talking about. But the more you kept bringing other people into it, made me even more upset. I've never been so angry at you, just for the fact that not about the stupid dinner shit, but because after this fight you just totally acted like you didn't care. How are you comparing every bad thing I said, when you said terriable things too when you were mad, by far the worse thing EITHER of us said was you saying "I swear to God Jess I will never be your friend again" So how in the world are you coming off saying that I'm the one acting like I didn't care. NONE of the mean things started really coming out of my mouth that I meant untill you said that, you don't know how much that hurt, and everything dwelled on that.

(reply to comment)