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superheromindo (profile) wrote,
on 12-28-2004 at 11:58pm
Current mood: torn
I said true when I told Braeden that I would probably decide that I wasnt tired and wanted to update. Also, because he now knows exactly how to find this, I know he's going to read this so I feel almost obligated to post. Almost. But I want to. I really cant decide if I want to go back and erase some of the stuff I said or not. I really wasnt planning on letting him know that I had that mini-crush on him. I mean, I do and dont at the same time and I just dont know. Its weird. I love him, but I dont think I love him like that. I just like him a little like that. It's hard not to though, I mean, he's beautiful and clever and honest and talented. But I've always been honest about everything with him, so I dont suppose this should be any different than that. Mostly because I guess it has the potential to ruin what he and I already have, which I am honestly completely happy with. I love being one of his really close friends. It makes me happy. Sometimes it feels like the only thing that makes me worthwhile is the fact that I mean so much to a couple other people. Last year I was really depressed from school and Xander and things, but Maria and Kelly were going through the same sort of things (minus the crappy boyfriend..), so having close friends was good because we got through it all together and now things are much better. A million times better, really. Towards the end of last year it was terrible. I was miserable and hardly got out of bed every morning. I was absent loads last year, as well. Half of the time because I was avoiding something. It was bad. We'll leave it at that.

So I wanted to go apply for a job, but you had to be 18 to work there and it made me pretty sad. I would have liked to work there. I probably wont be able to get a job until Mr. A helps me get one at Barnes & Noble in february. Ugh. I hate depending on him for things like that. I hate depending on him at all. Why else would I teach myself all-state music? I'm all about self-help. I would question why Braeden doesnt get help with music stuff from his mom, but then again its probably a lot like me getting help from my mom on spanish stuff. Like I was actually going to ask. I did everything myself and made good grades on my own. It was nice to be able to deny, truthfully, that my mother had helped me. She never did. So yeah, that's one question I will never have to ask Braeden about. Some things I cant help but question when it comes to him because I just dont understand. Kind of like my Kerry-supporting Aunt Joan asking my Bush-supporting parents why people vote for Bush. She just doesnt understand why. But yeah. So yep.

Wow, this has ended up being a lot longer than I expected. Braeden, if you didnt notice, I was trying really hard to not just talk to you like I am now. But now you can see how my personal entries end up. Going from topic to topic like my thoughts. Its like seeing the inside of my head and seeing right into my life and I dont know if I regret letting you in yet or not. We'll just have to see.

Mindy
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