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| aushpog (profile) wrote, on 12-30-2004 at 10:27pm | |
| Current mood: frustrated Music: [=] this is love + cool hand luke Subject: SIIGGHHHH... |
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| kinda upset right now. and i usually don't get angry i guess. well, about the "opportunity." have to miss it (the first one, at least) because it's on new years day. my mom's excuse was that we were doing family things, and just going to relax all day (aka lay around and do nothing). i'm just sooo frustrated. i feel like... i don't know. i have never fought inside SOOOOO hard to not talk back to my mom. the furthest it went was an upset face and some heavy steps down the stairs. gosh i'm just so frustrated. i have been waiting for this for so long. and i mean i know that missing this one isn't huge, but it is to me. i feel like my mom doesn't care about my plans. it sounds selfish, i know. i just feel like the baby of the family. like, my brother- even though he IS three years older than me- can do whatever he wants, leave the house whenever, miss a lot of family stuff just to be with his friends or something. maybe because they've faced the fact that he's living on his own now? i don't know. sometimes it feels like i am living on my own. as far as my faith goes. like i'm in my own little world sometimes. i guess that's why i'm such an introvert sometimes. i don't know, i just like to be left alone a lot. i don't know. just frustrated. i mean, don't get me wrong at all- i love my family so much. i just think sometimes they don't realize how important certain things are to me, like church. my mom is all about, "well you're involved in enough church stuff already" (when consulted with whether i should run track or not). i mean, i know i'm not miss skinny-winny anymore but i couldn't ever go out like that. to be completely honest, my faith just isn't that strong. to miss church on wednesdays, which is HUGE, and church videos on thursday, which just teaches me so much, and sometimes even bible studies if we have friday meets. and track meets are really long, too. i remember sometimes we've stayed on the track until really late after meets, helping put things away. and honestly, my faith just isn't strong enough. it isn't. i remember last year i didn't really say anything about god, and sometimes fell into the ways of people who didn't walk a godly path. it just changed my attitude a bit. but, as jeremy said, "you have to spend more time with people who walk a god-seeking, god-fulfilling path, but as your faith goes stronger you can balance time spent with christians and non-christians." don't get jeremy wrong, he doesn't mean that you should just STAY AWAY from non-christians like demons. but i think it's easy to interpret what he's saying. but i don't know. and once again, i'm stressing that i love my parents. and i really want to respect and obey them more. i mean i'm not going to sneak over to danny's or anything... but. i don't know. it's just hard. i remember one time when my mom was typing up her annual christmas letter to send to friends and relatives. it was sitting in the printer tray and i read it. i read the words and felt like crap when i read the line, "and autumn's taking that teenage attitude for a spin." direct quote. and i read that like one or two years ago. that's how bad i felt. i mean, since forever my parents have called me the little angel, the little girl. and now they paint the image that i am this girl, picking at her hair and smacking her gum with her hand on her hip, tapping her foot and rolling her eyes. i hate that stereotype, because it's not me. i guess it's because sometimes i get so frustrated because of feeling alone in the family that i take it out on them or something. and chris showed me a cool verse, it makes me feel "un-alone" i guess you could say. 1 peter5:9: Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. i guess it goes along more with "feeling alone in my faith" than anything else. it reminds me of several friends who are going for god, often alone, but strong nonetheless. maybe this is just a stupid spout of anger, just one of those stupid moments when i am overly emotional that will pass tomorrow. i think it's one of those "straws that break the camel's back." like when you have pent up frustration and it all comes out with one little thing (and p.s.- why is it a camel and a straw anyway? is there some background info on that?). i'm just frustrated frustrated. frustrated. once again... i mean i love my family so much, i do. i really do. and sometimes i am so close to my parents and my brothers, but other times, i feel five thousand feet away (that's near a mile and a half for all you runners). like i am saying something completely loving... but to the person on the other end of the five thousand feet, it is arrogant. or i say something about god... well that's a different story. i guess sometimes- a lot of times- it's hard to express yourself- especially when it comes to anger or sadness- to your family without yelling, screaming, slamming doors, pouting, wailing, crying, stomping, etc. i don't know exactly why that is, and i really don't have time to think about it right now so i'll ponder that later and write an eight-hundred page book on it. all i need is some prayer right now. family issues. sometimes i think things aren't bad, but they definitely aren't good at times. i don't really want to go too in-depth on it right now, so i guess i'll leave it at that. i don't know, i just need to be right with god. and when i get all rah rah rah like this, i don't feel right with him. just another kid with a "teenage attitude" or something. worldly. over-sensitive. i mean jesus wasn't stoic all the time but he sure wasn't a big ball of mush. speaking of "big ball of mush" i'll have to type up some philip yancey later on. on a random note, it was crazy how things were opposite. as i'm laying in my bed with the pillow covering my head, dampening the sheets with my eyeballs... well let me give you some perspective- to those whose mind and heart just withers to listen to god's voice (in other words, if your conscience, aka the holy spirit, just sends electricity into you)- well when you are going through this, when satan is trying to get you to think "i hate it wah wahhh wahhh wahhhh!!" god is usually like, "hey, you know to love them. you know you don't hate them at all" and you're like "you're right god, i'm trying to get that feeling down... okay there we go. i'm calm now. of course i love them." but as i was sitting there, it was the opposite almost- in a sense. i was thinking, wahh wahh wahhh and god was like, "autumn, this is complete nonsense! [he says this almost with a smile because it is THAT ridiculous]" and i'm like "wahhh wahh i know god wahhh wah" but instead of going, okay, i'm good, i act like i don't acknowledge him. i go "wahhh wahh i know god wahhh wah BUT I WANT TO FEEL SAD!" isn't that so ridiculous, to the point of being almost... hilarious??? and THAT was when i realized- when it was PERFECTLY clear and apparent to me- that i do rely on my emotions a lot of the time. and as i'm talking to chris he brought up another point- that as christians the emotion thing is natural to us, that loving out of knowledge is what is UNnatural. like when we "worship" god out of pure feeling, it is jello, it is mush... it is carbon-14 (for all you NON-chemists, that means "unstable"... or wait... isn't carbon-14 unstable? forget it). but i think you know what i mean. well, my mind is very haywire right now... i think the anger is gone... yes siree bob, it actually is. but on to think. my mind has just had a transition to another thought. wow... pray for the "opportunity." god you are just... you know what, i'm not even going to start. words are crap compared to you. i mean it. may his truth be ever-present... autumn NOTES. [+]quotes from "the spiritual legacy of C.S. Lewis" [1]"I have a notion that what seem our worst prayers may really be, In God's eyes, our best... [2]"such intellectual and philosophical arguements can only produce this type of faith...faith A" -[faith A being an intellectual acceptance to a set of doctrines] [3]"God has been waiting for the moment at which you discover that there is no question of earning a pass mark on this exam or putting Him in your debt." [4]"Lewis said emotions have very little to do with our faith...Very often it means believing in spite of how we feel. God's reality and commitment to us are objective realities. We do not need to feel them to be true; they simply are true" -crazy true [5]"As Screwtape writes to Wormwood: our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." -"and thus Job and Abraham and Paul and all those other examples of faith finally made sense to me" [6] "[faith] is the settled conviction that all will be right if we continue to trust the dawning realization that we cannot live our lives as we know we ought without help from God." [7] "it is learning that we must stop trying to please God and recongized that He is pleased with our realization that we need Him" "For there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." |
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| Anonymous | 12-31-04 10:18am Dude, Autumn I know I might not be able to convince you that you are a strong Christian, but you are. And you can't let Satan pull you down. I can't say that I 'understand your situation' because I don't. Not completely anyways. I've never had a family thing like you do. But I can help you. I mean that as in God can help you through me, hopefully. First of all, your 'frustratedness' won't last forever. It's just a rock that you stumbled on on your spiritual road w/ God (metaphorically speaking). "to be completely honest, my faith just isn't that strong" Dude, I can TOTALLY prove that wrong. I don't go to your church, but I KNOW that you are an incredibly awesome Christian. DON:T LET SATIN PULL YOU DOWN. You've got to just be like, " I CAN DO THIS" Of course you aren't the best Christian, of course you aren't perfect, and yes, you will stumble in your faith every now and then-like all of us will. But you can't let it get to you! Every single Christian will trip at some point! But every single time God will pick you back up!
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Anonymous | Re:, 12-31-04 10:19am :] I love you! |
aushpog | Re:, 12-31-04 1:44pm lol i love you laura.
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Anonymous | Re: Re:, 01-01-05 10:14pm Danget! How did you know it was me? Oh well...I love you Autumn, and you're totally right, God is building you up this year. I'll see you on Monday! dun dun dun dunnnn.......THE biology project.......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! |
aushpog | Re: Re: Re:, 01-02-05 10:50am HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO FINISH THIS PROJECT?!?!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I HAVE NO WILLPOWER WHATSOEVER! |