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|dmlxoxo (profile) wrote, |
on 4-19-2005 at 7:12pm
|Music: bitch- meredith brooks
Subject: life is a highway...
|i havent written in this thing in the longest time, i guess thats not an unfamiliar concept to our woohu world, though. i keep on waiting until i have something to write about, and finally, i do.
as far as lives go, mines been pretty damn good all these years. as far as lives go lately, i find that statement fits well also. i think this is due to a bunch of things, but mainly because there has been such a turn around in terms of how i treat myself. since the beginning of last july, i had no idea how to respect myself in terms of guys. i went the first fifteen years of my life waiting and expecting my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet to some far off happily-ever-after. finally i realized that that was never going to happen, at least not any time soon, so i started to just hook up with a bunch of different guys that i liked, yet every time, my heart was broken. i guess deep down inside i was still holding out for my soul mate, and just decided that by handing my heart out to every guy i had a slight attraction to. time after time i would be pushed to the ground, and time after time id stand up and let it happen again. it wasnt that i was naiive to what was happening, it was just that i simply didnt care, to me at the time, the chance of emotional pain was minimal compared to the chance of happiness. i had no respect formyself and didnt even realize this was the case. the turning point was jlew. i let him do it to me too. but unlike all the other boys that i let take advantage of me, somewhere along the line i got fed up with being a doormat. after jlew, i was hesitant to do anything until i figured out exactly what it was that i wanted and needed, and eventually, i did. recently ive harvested the fruits of my experience. i took the things ive learned from my mistakes and realized that all i really need is someone i care about and trust, and the ability to take things at a steady pace without rushing and obsessing. still, more important yet, as soon as i realized this i found it in someone. things with jon have been so awesome lately. ive found that happy medium in him, but more than anything ive found that trust that ive never encountered before in any other guy. i can be myself around him without thinking twice about what im doing and making sure that its considered acceptable or normal, just as long as its "danielle". when the time is right to fully and completely hand my heart over to him, ill have no problem with it at all, i know he'll handle my heart with care and i know hes the one i want to have it.
while ive found such an incredible balance and completeness in my life with jon, ive been struggling with other relationships in my life a lot lately....namely, my mother. we've always had a rough relationship in terms of communication and sometimes treatment of eachother, but lately things have been worse than usual. while on the outside to all of my friends, she seems like the sweetest woman, and she is to them, to me and my dad she feels like she doesnt have to try to be nice around us. shes always struggled with the problem of knowing how to deal with anger, and everything, every little thing she says comes out with an attitude or ends (and starts) in a screaming war. according to my dad, shes always been this way. her mother was this way to her, and now shes the same way as her mother was. time after time we've told her "its not what you say, its how you say it" but nothing ever gets through to her. she doesnt listen to what you have to say, because when her mind is made up, sometimes its best to just give up and forget everything that you wanted when dealing with her.
im sick of doing that, though. im sick of not doing things i want to do because its easier to not argue with her. im sick of watching her run certain aspects of me and my dad's lives because theres no other way to deal with her.
she also claims that shes my friend. as far as im concerned, thats the biggest load of crap ive ever heard. if she was my friend, she wouldnt treat me like she does. if she was my friend, she would be nice to me. if she was my friend, she wouldnt just assume that i have to like her because she has to be in my life so she doesnt have to try to treat me nicely. but shes wrong. she has to try. because to tell you the truth, if i werent her daughter i wouldnt like her. i dont like her a lot of times. i think this partially comes from the fact that i dont understand her. the woman is scared of everything. its what holds her back from the world and what holds me in from a lot of things. on the top of her list is people. the reason she loves animals so much, i think at least, is because of their inability to hurt her emotionally and their need to be cared for. theres nothing to be scared of, they dont have the capacity to hurt people, and they cant tell her shes wrong or go against her. because they need her. she's scared of everything, i dont understand how anyone could go through life fearing everything, always asking "what if..." and always considering the worst case scenario and assuming that its a possibility. what kind of a life is that?
my dad kind of wants to go for counseling, considering shes never going to change. thats so hard for me, because she took after her mother...and i dont want to travel down that road.
with every good, comes some bad, i guess life cant be completely perfect at any time.
"cause everybody knows you've got to breathe..."-dmb
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