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| aushpog (profile) wrote, on 5-1-2005 at 7:45pm | |
| Current mood: calm Music: sympathy + goo goo dolls Subject: GIRL THOUGHTS ON -THE ONE- |
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| yeah, so it's the typical cheesy girl thing. to think about her future husband, to want to be held by him in a genuine embrace, yeah. okay, okay, i'm a girl, i'm a dork. but sometimes i really get excited about it- the fact that i won't have to worry about guys after finding the one god has for me. maybe it's selfish, that i want a guy to care about me in a more personal and loving way (this is a gentle euphemism for "romantic"), but this is quite reassuring to me because i know that god made me to have some type of longing for a significant other, for a man. and while this is no cry for a boyfriend, it is certainly a little smile of contentment because, as i "gaze" into my future (girly flower word), i see some awesome things. a husband, kids. it's pretty awesome. i have to hold myself from being anxious because i know god says to not be anxious- to wait for the lord, to replace worries with prayers. and meanwhile, god is reminding me that he is my number one man, that he has my back, that he wants to romance me (in a non-sexual romantic way, of course). it easily gets selfish. especially after watching the lovey movies with the perfect prince charming who holds his girl's chin when he kisses her, makes "the gesture" (watch "chasing liberty" if you don't know what i'm talking about), chases after her, bares his soul to her. yeah, yeah, yeah, my friends. back to reality, please. and that's where the selfish part comes in. the part where i want a guy who is perfect, who loves god, treats me like a princess, admits his wrongs, makes "the gesture," and etcetera. etcetera, my friends, etcetera. if we want to be psychologists and go deeper, i guess it could boil down to self-consciousness. maybe i want to feel good about myself when a guy tells me i'm gorgeous, maybe i want to know that a guy will stick with me and not look at other girls the same way. you know, won't cheat on me. won't even think of it. i don't know why it worries me so much, but it does, because of the self-consciousness deal. because i don't feel like i'll be "pretty" enough for a guy, won't simply be enough at all. this is not only in my mind- it is from watching tv. sounds stupid, but it's true. if you flip to oprah for an hour, ladies, you know what i'm feeling. if you sit down and watch tv enough you are convinced that all of your neighbors are either swingers or sex offenders. or at least charmers with past criminal records-- or future criminal records, too (talk to amber frey about this one). i don't know. i'm just looking forward to it, to be able to talk to him as me, to let down my guard completely and be myself. and please, to whoever is reading this who knows me, don't feel like this a fishing trip for compliments. i am in no way trying to vent my "feelings and emotions." this is just what's going on in my mind, and i'm sure you have all felt the same way in some sense. this is no self-esteem trip, ladies. it is the blunt truth. but, back to the subject. mm, it's exciting. i hope he gets me, understands me, loves me. i hope i don't annoy him. i hope that, when he looks me in the eye, i can see him smiling so genuinely that there is not one hesitation in my mind that he loves me. even when we do fight, even when we do disagree. and i hope he knows i love him, in every way. i hope he knows that he's beautiful to me, he's my beautiful one. i want to grow old with him, and die with him, and hold his hand when the heart-line on the monitor goes flat. and i felt i'd repaired the broken vows of broken hearts and tainted things of satan-meddled relationships, of removed and tarnished wedding rings. but not for them-- for us and Him, we kept those words upon our lips and from our youth to wrinkled eyes we never dropped those fingertips. |
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| Anonymous | 05-10-05 10:17pm i know. exactly. what. you mean.
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aushpog | Re:, 05-22-05 1:43pm hahah, so are so right.
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