| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| Jaganshi (profile) wrote, on 5-16-2005 at 5:23pm | |
| Well. I was reprimanded for something interesting today. You know those picture holder things with the weighted base and a clip on a flexible wire? The clip holds the picture, and the base says something like "Butler Fall Ball 2004" on occasion? My mother threw both of mine out, and told me never to bring drug paraphernalia home again. When I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, she told me she found two roach clips in my boxes from college. When she described those, I tried not to laugh at her, but I knew that laughing would only make it worse. She told me that even though she knew I didn't know what they were (because God forbid they be for photos), if the military ever found out that shit was in this house, Mitch could be court-martialed. She said that she didn't tell Mitch what she'd found, she just threw them away. But if he'd known, he'd have been pissed and would have kicked me out of the house. (Which is just her trying to give us a common enemy to get me on her side.) Right. "And it's not because we don't love you or anything like that, but we can't have these in our house. Don't ever bring drug paraphernalia home again." "Wait, what? Where did that disclaimer come from?" "Well, I don't want you to think that we don't love you or I'm just being mean about this, because I know that's how it must seem." "Well, at the beginning I thought you were accusing me of smoking pot, but after that... that wasn't the conclusion I came to." "No. I know that you aren't into all of that. [author note: Feel free to cast detect bullshit right about here.] But I was there in the 60's and 70's when all these came out, and that's what those are." "Okay." "Just don't bring drug shit home ever again." Seriously. For fuck's sake. In other news, I've been getting frustrated with the same old crap again. So many things I can never say to her because she doesn't give a damn. So many things she complained about with her mother, and look at her. She doesn't even realize it. She's no different. She's like my father in a lot of ways, too. She wants me in her life, but she doesn't want to be in mine. She wants to show me off to her friends now that she knows I might actually make something of myself, but the moment something goes wrong I won't even exist, not publicly. You just watch. Something will happen, and she'll be there waiting to pick through the wreckage. "When the fox hears the rabbit scream, he comes a'running. But not to help." She doesn't care who she hurts or what she destroys as long as she's in control, as long as nothing can hurt her. She's a coward, and she's evil for what she does. For how she treats the people who should love her. I've tried to tell her what's been going on with me, what I've been doing. I've tried to make it as easy as possible for her to stay part of my life, and she just isn't taking the bait. If I tell her I've been writing, she changes the subject (after all, she's the writer, not me). If I tell her I've been drawing, she asks me why I wasn't packing or cleaning my dorm room. If I tell her anything about myself, she does her damndest to change the conversation to a more worthy topic: her, or at least what I've done wrong and what she would have done instead. She can never complain to me that she doesn't know what's going on with me. If she cared, she would listen when I made it easy for her. But she never will. How many times do I have to swear to myself that I'm going to stop trying? Why don't I just abase myself, lie low and try to be unobtrusive (a word I was bitched at for using)? Why do I have to maintain this outward free will? "That's pride, fucking with you." No. Then what? You want her to realize that you can be a good girl all on your own without being forced to do it by her? That maybe if she knows that, she'll realize what you're worth? That she'll finally love you like you secretly always wanted? No. Shut up. I'm done. Why can't I be done? Talking to her is an affirmation that the human race has absolutely no inherent worth. Trying to understand her logic... it's not just a guaranteed failure. "It says this reality isn't governed by any natural laws! It's like looking through a microscope at a cell-culture and seeing a thousand dancing hamsters! It's impossible!" |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
ChibiKeriana | 05-16-05 6:42pm This is the reason I swear I'm never, ever, ever having children. No matter how much you try, you -always- end up like your mother.. or worse. |
jaganshi | Re:, 05-16-05 6:44pm Well, in my family, every generation gets a little better. So... eventually, after 3 or 4 more miserable family strata, we'll have purged the crazy out of our bloodline.
|
ChibiKeriana | Re: Re:, 05-16-05 6:47pm In my family, everyone is horrible in their own little ways.
|
senki | 05-17-05 12:39am Mm, I think we all have our "mom issues", but yours suck pretty bad. ):
|
jaganshi | Re:, 05-17-05 1:48pm You know, just when I'm considering leaving woohu, Senki does something awesome.
|
| mco86 | Re:, 05-17-05 3:56pm I must agree, life got much better when I permanently moved out of the house. Phew.......and my mother isn't nearly as bad. |
jaganshi | Re: Re:, 05-17-05 4:44pm I've had offers to stay with other people's parents. I have for years.
|
mco86 | 05-17-05 3:53pm Holy shit! I always knew your mom was crazy....... |
jaganshi | Re:, 05-17-05 4:42pm Yeah. We all knew. *shakes head* She's a funny old buggerlover. |