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chanel24 (profile) wrote,
on 6-11-2005 at 8:21pm
Current mood: pissed off
Music: aint my bitch
UGH. i am so pissed off right now. god damnit.

so to take you from the beginning.. samm is in my room and im watching tv and shes just getting dressed and ready and stuff and she starts like asking me about shit and im like "you can use this, but dont use this" so she keeps like.. repeating herself so i get up and im like "no, you can use this, but you can't use this" and she just makes the snobbiest remarks about shit and im like "DUDE just use this, and not this" so then i go and sit back down and she just like starts mocking me and im like "samm, what the fuck is your problem" and i dont even know what she said but then i said something else and i was like "samm i will fucking kick your ass" and she was like mm yeah okk and i was like i will fucking fight you dude don't even try. and so like i get up and im like let's fucking go then so then she starts mocking me again and leaves so i follow her and i was like dude, i'll fuck you up! and she keeps doing it so i start walking down the stairs and i was like I WILL CUT YOU and then she runs away and acts like im going to freaking MURDER her! and so dad grabs me and sits me on the chair and was like (A#*$)(#4 bleh i dont even remember but just stupid shit and im like dude.. i dont care. stop acting like its just me randomly going off about shit when samm is just sitting there being an angel. so hes like "oh well ill deal with samantha" and so of course in his language that means, ill say "dont do it again" and leave while i always get the youre going to prison talk even when i NEVER start any of this. seriously never. i cant think of one time that i ever started something and it turned into a brawl. and so i get up to walk out and dad puts his hand in front of me and is like "did you do your blackboard?" and i was like uh no and he asks me if im going to and im like no and he was like well alright but theres going to be consequences and i was like consequences from who and he was like from me and i was like that is such bullshit you only give a shit once someone from school calls but not fucking once to you ask me on your own free will what shit i have to do or anything about school in general. so i walk upstairs and im just chillin in my room and i can hear samm and dad talking like "oh well then do you want to go to the 8:15?" or something like that and im like what the f u c k. i get the fucking huge talking too and threatening and shit and theyre gonna be all buddy buddy and keep in the back of their minds that im the fuck up. god damn that is so like people. god damnit. so anyways dad comes upstairs and hes like "do you wanna go to the movies with us?" and im like no so he asks me whats wrong and im like im fine. so then he asks me like 3 more times and im just like im FINE. and he says "doesnt look like youre fine" so i just repeat myself and he gets down to my level and is like you dont look fine so im like IM NOT FINE. CAN YOU GO? and hes like well ill leave but you dont look fine and im like IM NOT. GO. so hes like fine. so he walks out. and thats the end.

what the hell. i am so sick of my position in my family. samm.. can fuck up and get shit grades and have jeremy sleep over and leave and come whenever the hell she pleases and she is still the fucking golden child. and me on the other hand, im a fucking good kid and i get my shit done and i dont get out of line or anything but if i get anything less than an A im labeled as the fuck up. god damnit. my dad has no idea the kind of fucking pressure he puts on me to be the best. just cause he got shit grades and everything he expects me to make up for everyone else in the entire family who wasnt a genius. because samm isnt a genius, i have to be one. and samm says the rudest shit to me every single day and i dont blow up. i probably blow up on her once every.. like 4 months. samm makes me feel so bad about myself you don't even know. like yesterday i woke up and i came downstairs and on my way back up samm was like "so what food did you get fatass" and i just lifted my empty hands and walked into my room. i am fucking 5'8" and 114 pounds. in no way am i fat. samm constantly taunts me about this shit. she always calls me fucking fatass and fucking cuts my self esteem in half. who the hell is she to call me fat? i know that im not but just hearing her call me it all the time just makes me.. like.. this morning i ate breakfast and then i was thinking to myself "if i just threw this up, i don't think i'd be hungry anyways" i cant even believe i had a thought like that. she makes me skip meals. i fucking skipped eating just because i didnt want to hear her say shit to me. we watched an anorexia nervosa video in school and i fucking envied the girl on there. she had the drive to actually do it. i can't even.. like i can't even comprehend these thoughts. i can't believe these are my thoughts. she doesnt even understand like.. today when she just mocks me and underminds me how bad that drives me crazy. like.. i can't even put into words how it makes me feel. i just can't. it is such an intense mix of anger and hate and immense sadness that.. i can't even tell you how it feels. it fucking kills me the way she treats me.
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