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purplesmurfs (profile) wrote,
on 10-12-2005 at 10:28am
I suffer each day know I cannot be with you. Knowing that I’ll never be the same person. I’ll never be as strong as I once was. Pain has grown to be my best friend and who I am. Never in 18 years have I felt this empty. This torn apart. So far away from everything I have ever known, loved, encountered. The feeling of nothing good ever happening again is all I know. Instead of going out to improve myself and regain my strength, I sit alone. I hide from everything. I feel so ugly. So abandoned. So worthless and used. My heart, body, and mind can’t handle the judgment, the criticism I’d receive as soon as I set foot outside. Knowing that at one time I was so happy, so free, makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me wish that someone would just do away with me forever. End everything I don’t have the strength, the courage to fight for or end. I’ve thought that eventually the pain would subside. But it has only grown to be so intense my lungs can’t take the heavy breathing. In my head I thought that if I pushed you away, it wouldn’t hurt so much. But I turned out to be wrong. The pain of pushing you away, being so cold to you, became unbearable. Made me so sick to my stomach. You’re the reason I can’t sleep. You’re the reason I get sick everyday. The reason I either don’t eat or eat until I get sick. Instead of hating you, instead of blaming you, I hate myself. I blame myself. Because I can’t stand the thought of being mad at you. I can’t stand seeing you in pain. Suffering the way I have. When I am not with you, I think about you. I think about being with you. Giving you the love that you deserve. Protecting you the way you protect(ed) me. Giving you the feeling of comfort and security that I feel every time you touch me. I want to be there for you and help you get through the troubled times they way you were there for me. When I said “I love you”, I meant it. I felt it more every time I said it. Apparently you didn’t. Maybe you didn’t even mean it the first time you said it. Maybe you’re only saying it now because you want to keep me around. Just incase things don’t work out with her. Is that why you haven’t answered my questions yet? Is that why you’re waiting? Because you know how hurt I’ll be. You know it’s what I need to help me try to move on. Why hold onto me? Obviously I didn’t mean that much to you to begin with. Otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here in complete and utter misery. Then again it is my fault I’m in this much pain. If I hadn’t put myself out there. If I hadn’t given myself the chance to love you. If I had treated you like all the others I wouldn’t be here right now. I’d be on at least the third one since you. What makes her so different from me? Do you love her more because she gave you something she can’t give anyone else? You took away her innocence and now you feel obligated to be with her, is that it? I’d really like to be able to understand it.
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