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brokenmentality (profile) wrote,
on 10-12-2005 at 10:02pm
i'll just set aside how pissed i am for the time being. its not going to do anything any good... and if i open up and say what i REALLY feel.. i'll have to hear how it hurt someones feeling... so yeah, i'll just pretend everythings fine and im ok, because im a fucking doormat.

before i get into homecoming.. i gotta vent. deal with it.

i understand that im short and blonde and tend to smile alot. does that mean that im perfect?! if i flip out on somebody... its like "oh damn, erikas pisssed" WHAT am i not allowed to show some irrational emotion? just because i hide how i feel in school to avoid added drama... doesnt mean i dont HAVE unneccesary drama. if i were to be totally honest with myself and most the people i surround myself with... i wouldnt have many friends. im not judgemental.. i just cant put up with peoples shit very easily. Grow the fuck up. we're seniors for gods sake. im counting the days before i get the hell away from all these people. we grew up together, we'll see eachother at reunions, pretend we were friends "back in the day" and move on with our lives. and i may or may not marry somebody from around here. im certainly not gonna plan on it. im 17 years old. why would i want to be tied down to love and commitment? am i happy with my relationship? yeah, because its a healthy relationship. we dont center our lives around eachother. thats a bit pathetic dont cha think? i seriously wish i could just go up to most every happy person in the hall and slap them and be like what the fuck is wrong with you! the world sucks! *laughs.... god im glad i can find humor when im so PISSED.

first times..... yeah.. unforgettable right.
just like i'll never forget the first time you put a recreation before me, or the first time you hung up on me, or the first time you just left me... because its not like i've never been abanded before right, or the first time you called me a bitch, or the first time i'll go to bed upset with you, or the fact that YOUR first time is with someone else. that ones my favorite. i hate that about you. HATE it. to bad you'll never have to experience that. physically feeling your heart break every time you think about, and at the same time wanting to vomit. maybe thats love, maybe thats what we're waiting for and this is just a preview.

*ahem* Love is never fully being happy, but settling for a great person with just less than what you expected. oh yeah, and throw in the... "its not fair" part and maybe the "drive eachother crazy" part.

i honestly am scared to death that i'll never fall in love with anyone. im to anal about love, im to picky... i know exactly what i want. but it doesnt exist. and that doesnt say anything bad about my relationships or future relationships... it just tells me that its time i take my head out of the clouds and think realistickly.

i dont know. im so irrational sometimes. i dont know why he puts up with my bullshit. tonight hurt... but so did yesterday. it never gets easier. it makes me wish we were in love so at least in my lowest moment i could tell myself "but its ok, because he loves me" and it kills me that i cant... but its not just that. its me too. im not ready for that. like i said... who knows if i'll ever be ready. ive encountered first hand love due to my mom and her divorce. i would rather go to hell then relive the events we suffered through. i honestly think chris was satan. but he didnt start out that way. man he fooled us. i dont want that to happen to me. and i guess im just scared to death that im gonna open myself up, become totally vulnerable to pain... and be fooled.







ok.... i took a break from the last paragraph and went to talk to my mom. she always makes me feel better. but now im just depressed.


im so fucking selfish. and i know that. and i can admit that....

maybe i'll get to homecoming a different day. i'd like to be happy when i update about such a great night.

this is one of those nights where a tiny part of you hopes you never wake up, even though im not suicidal.... eternal sleep just sounds so good sometimes.
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swimfan14

10-12-05 11:30pm

Okay I don't really know where I'm going with this but your entry had so much detail in it that I read it twice.

I agree with you about how it's pathetic how some people make their lives revolve around other people. Why would you do that when half of the time the relationship wont last past high school anyways and then you spend all your time with that person, and then when it's over, you have no friends. I've never had this problem and I'm not saying you will because we both agree but that is one of the things in high school that really bothers me and I hate to see it happen because the people in the relationship don't realize that they are making a mistake.

Moving on....


"i seriously wish i could just go up to most every happy person in the hall and slap them and be like what the fuck is wrong with you!"

I seriously would love to do that too. It's like why would you be happy? Look where we live. Look at everyone.


And I think that you think about love too much. You have really high expectations which isn't a bad thing, and most people have high expectations but sometimes it just might be hard to find someone like that. It's possiable but probably just hard. I just finished reading this book that you should read because it's about this girl who has a theory that she wont fall in love and right before she thinks she might fall in love she ends the relationship because she is still stuck on her theory and shes scared. So basically your in the same situation as her, and It just reminded me of you so now I'm going to give it to you to read and it will answer all your questions.

And if you ever need to talk I'm always here for you.

Alright so I'm done rambling. I'll see you tomorrow.

<3 ashley



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jessa_lynne

:), 10-13-05 1:44am

http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=213340

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anachronism

10-13-05 6:23am

first times..... yeah.. unforgettable right.
just like i'll never forget the first time you put a recreation before me, or the first time you hung up on me, or the first time you just left me... because its not like i've never been abanded before right, or the first time you called me a bitch, or the first time i'll go to bed upset with you, or the fact that YOUR first time is with someone else. that ones my favorite. i hate that about you. HATE it. to bad you'll never have to experience that. physically feeling your heart break every time you think about, and at the same time wanting to vomit.

I know, I know. It's one of the hardest things and you can't feel that pain until it happens to you. And the worst part is, they result to anger not understanding and comfort.

I am in basically the same place you are in now, as you know.
I wish I could tell you that I could help you, have words of advice, or tell you what you do.. but it's not that easy and you know that. But, there's a point where you just break down and think, 'How is this so difficult and will it ever get better?'. *sigh
It's hard.

At least we have someone to go through it with.

I love you.

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jes

10-13-05 5:51pm

I just want you to know you are loved, and I do care for you. I would with all my heart really care if tomorrow you weren't in my life. You are strong, and you are a young ,talented, motivated, out going, smart girl ,and I love you. Don't forget it okay hun?

Thank you for sticking up for me, it means the world to me.

I'm always here for you, and I want to still talk after we both get the fuck outta this town.

*MWUAH* -jess

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