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|sputnik (profile) wrote, |
on 11-15-2005 at 9:01am
|Current mood: funny
|This is a paper I wrote for class. I hope you all enjoy!
I know it's long but it will hopefully make you laugh!
Shopping Cart Etiquette
When I walk into a supermarket, the first thing I do is grab a cart. I push it around the store avoiding other cart driving maniacs, swerving around produce displays, and looking both ways before I pull out into traffic. What many people donít know is how dangerous and difficult driving a cart can be. There are many rules for driving one of these beasts. Breaking these rules can lead to aisle rage, frustration, or even possible injuries. There are no shopping cart police, so people generally resolve their differences personally if you know what I mean. (If you donít follow these rules- you soon will.)
As a victim and now full fledge devout to the shopping cart rules, I will present them to you in order to save you from a painful future. I have even modified them to properly show you the consequences of the serious mishaps.
Rule One: Drive in the right hand lane. If you have to get something to the left of the aisle either grab it quickly and keep walking, or go to the end of the aisle, turn around and come back to stare at the shelf for a few minutes. But whatever you do, donít ever drive down the center so others are forced to stop and get over just for you. Pick a damn side!
Rule Two: If you run into my cart, I will smile at your apology. Iím sure it was an accident. But donít be surprised if your cart is overturned the next second you walk away.
Rule Three: Donít leave your cart to go get something across the store or in the next aisle over. Pretend the cart is a personal attachment to you until you exit the store. Take it with you! Or else, whatever is in it is fair game and may save me a trip across the store.
Rule Four: Donít glide across the store on your cart. Iím glad youíre having fun showing everyone how well you ride a scooter, but other innocent bystanders may question the amount of control you have over the cart- even if you are a professional.
Rule Five: Kids who are small in stature and cannot see over the cart may not drive the carts. If they canít see over the handle- they canít see me. And just so you know, itís the parents I go after if injured.
Rule Six: Keep your distance and pay attention! If you run into the back of my heels- this will cause me to get very angry. If an apology is given I may just cast evil glares at you until one of us leaves the store- or for the rest of your life. But if not- Iíll meet you out in the parking lot.
Rule Seven: After loading your essentials into your car- park your cart in the cart coral. There is nothing worse than finding the perfect parking spot and pulling up to find a cart blocking your place. Thereís a spot for cars and thereís a spot for carts- take two extra seconds from your busy schedule and get it there.
So if ever you see me in the supermarket, keep in mind these seven important rules. It may save you from extra work or purple and blue tender spots on the back of your heels and/or body.
Iím not saying a brawl breaks out every time someone breaks a rule involving those pesky shopping carts.
Iím just informing you- it may.
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"just ask hoffa what i do to people who fuck with my shit."
OH Becca. That is by far the funniest thing. I didn't even notice the typos I was so enthralled, nevermind what spuddy boy said. hahaha. :-P So yeah, did you get an A on that? Is your prof. going to have blue and purple tender spots on his face?