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|kandy (profile) wrote, |
on 2-14-2006 at 10:13pm
|Current mood: nostalgic
Subject: A Cleansing of the Past
|Ok word of advice. never look through past entries. I just went through all my entries actually reading most cause my boyfriend is sleeping lol. But wow. A few of them really made me want to cry. Cry for the past. What I destroyed and what harm I caused. I was a bitch. I know it. I'm sorry to all those I hurt. I'm sorry for being such a damn drama queen.
James I know you won't be reading this, but you will always have a piece of my heart. You were my first love. I will never forget that. You are the one everyone has to stand up against. I'm happy for all the good times we had. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I know we had our bad times and those sometimes stick out more, others I look back and could almost cry at what we lost. Because honestly if we would have worked things out more or differently things could have been different. But that was then. We're only friends now and that only barely. :(
Christopher, I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you. For all the trouble I caused too. I did love you and still care for you. But you are my best friend now. And that's all we'll ever be.
Ryan, You won't read this. So it really doesn't matter what I think or say anymore.
Stacy, I love you dearly sister. We've become further apart lately. And I know it's still my fault. Every time I find a guy I tend to push you away. I want to turn to him for mostly everything and not my friends. Well this time it was both of us. It's been a hard year. But I love you and you will always always be my sister. Remember blood is stronger than anything else (although I think the saying is that blood is stronger than water). I'll promise you the always, always, never promise too.
Chrissy, I'm sorry we weren't better friends in high school. I'm so very grateful and glad we're friends now. I think it's a good thing cause if we weren't friends I think we'd get a lil irritated with the brothers! lol. And you are like a sister to me, just like Stacy. I love you too.
Josh, I know you won't see this because you never knew about this site but I want to get this off my chest. I loved you, you abused me. You destroyed my relationships with my friends and lowered my self esteem and self worth. I hated you for awhile. I hate what you did still. But I can forgive you. I will never forget it. What you did was wrong and I hope you are punished by the law for as long as possible for what happened! No I don't want to deal with it but I won't let you go and prey on some other girl like you did me. That would be me allowing you to go free and to knowingly let someone else get hurt. Fuck you you asshole. Just because I hurt you it does not give you the right to slap me or choke me. Even if I destroyed you emotionally it does not give you the right to rape me to try to make me feel like you did. I didn't intentionally hurt you. I hated doing what I did. I felt for over a month that things were going bad. I just didn't know how to tell you because I knew it would destroy you. And because I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted or if I wanted to try and work things out. But I'm glad things didn't work out. You are a dick. You made me think things were always my fault... guess what.. THEY WEREN'T!
Brandon, Now again I doubt you'll read this only because you don't get online to look at these things. I love you Brandon. You should know that. After the first time we had sex, I was in tears and just thinking "oh my god. I want to tell him I love him already" and we weren't even dating. Then we had to deal with this shit with Josh and are actually still dealing with it. Between my lil freak out moments or my low confidence or my horrible thinking. Not to mention the court dates. Moving in here was the best move I made. I feel closer to you than anyone else. I know we will be together for a long long time. I can feel it in my bones. After all I've been through I think you are truely my one. You comfort me when I need it or make me laugh when I think that's the last thing that will happen. You put up with my moods and emotional break-downs as well as my stress out periods. I know you love me. I can see it in you beautiful brown eyes. :)
To everyone else from high school or just other friends I had, I'm sorry from some of the things I did. Others I feel I was justified in doing them. Everyone makes some mistakes and you just have to grow a little to realize them. But sometimes people hurt you in ways you don't see until you get out of that situation. That I think is the hardest to deal with. Seeing the relationship of one you love, become nothing but a way for them to control, use, or abuse you.
I have changed. Looking at the past really helped me to see that.
And damn did I write well when I was upset!!! lol!
Constance Maria *hmm should I?... naahhh*
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You know I love you too., 02-14-06 11:01pm
Hey hun don't blame yourself completely. We've both changed a lot in the last year. Good, Bad or otherwise we're yet to know... You know if you need to talk I'm here, and I'm sure your there for me too. LOVE YOU FOREVER, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, NEVER!
Re: You know I love you too., 02-14-06 11:10pm
*mega hugs and cries on your shoulder*Thank you sister. I know tho that when i was with josh i ditched you. then after he raped me i was close to you and over the summer i was really close to you. This fall has been difficult for the both of us cause of classes and schedules. and both of us getting into certain guys. But i love you sis. forever always always and never hun.
Now I wanna know what I was thinkin about Ry! HAH. It's so funny thinkin Ry and I were together when we were in junior high... and are fantastic for each other now. or with. I feel like he completes me.