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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 4-4-2006 at 10:04pm
Current mood: pensive
Music: chris tomlin = indescribable
part of me hates him, can't stand him because i know he is important to me, somehow. and i don't know how any of this works because there is nothing, and i can't revive something that never existed in the first place. i have no remote CLUE what i'm chasing after, and once again i'm reminded that i want things i can't have.

it's like a big mind game.

and of course, the other part of me sees something big in him that i really admire, really want to know, but at the same time know i CAN'T know. once again i've come to the place where i want to give up. how many times have i told myself that? i think i gave up a long time ago. it's not like i'm trying. it's just that i'm thinking, considering. i think the next step is abandoning that as well, but i'm sure that's a hopeless endeavor.

sometimes the thought of him makes me angry, and i tell myself that i'm worth more than the trouble. i think i want to be angry, want to make myself feel like things are impossible so i won't waste my energy. i'm feeling that mentality right about now.

knowing this won't get anywhere.
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