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brucerey43 (profile) wrote,
on 10-31-2006 at 9:44am
I am really glad that not many of my friends, if any read this journal. This last month has probably been one of the worst of my life, I'm going through so much and I really do feel (whether I am or not) completly alone in dealing with everything. I think I may have an eating disorder, or too much stress.......... im not really sure yet. All i know is that I have lost weight like crazy and im not eating much and therefore i feel nausious and vomity all the time. I honestly don't feel like I want to live anymore lately, I have cried so much that now im out of tears to cry. I dont even cry before bed i just take a sleeping pill and go to sleep. It seems to work out better than thinking about how much i hate my life and then being exhausted the next day. My birthday was horrible, i wanted to throw a party but the one person i wanted there probably wouldn't have bothered to come anyways so i said screw it and worked anyways. My social life lately has just really tanked, and the one person I have a crush on seems to always be too busy for me until she needs something. It drives me nuts, and slowly but surely its making me want to distance myself from her alltogether. Actually its making me want to distance myself from everybody. Aside from my social life everything else seems to be going pretty well but thats just soured everything. I mean im done with a year of college and this semester is going well grade wise. I will have been through 3 semesters of college as of decemeber somethingish or another. I should post close to a 3.5 this semester so that part of my life is pretty secure right now except it just requires a lot of work. I honestly feel like no one cares about me anymore, its so horrible to feel this way but its true. I never get invited anywhere to do things, I never get phone calls just to see how im doing. I know it will all be okay in time but right now things are just really beating me up emotionally. I seriously thought about slitting my wrists the other night (this doesn't leave your mouth to whoevers reading this) but I didn't. I don't honestly want to die, I just want to feel less isolated and alone and be better able to deal with things then by not eating.
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