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|midnightdelight (profile) wrote, |
on 11-11-2006 at 7:55pm
|Never start no static I just get it off my chest.
i remember when i would spend late nights tapping endlessly in rhythm on the buttons on the keyboard. writing, documenting, illustrating the moments that are momentarily so signifant that i might waste my time just to freeze that feeling. as i get older, i come to terms with the fact that i may have been a little overdramatic. re-evaluating the situations, i don't find them to be huge hurdles in my life as i did that day. november 11th, 2006. today. today is one of those days, that maybe 2 or 3 years (or days) down the line, i will look back upon this, my eyes skimming the same words that they do now and i will say "its not really that big of a deal."
i am the bound to a relationship, that i find cold. i often am sickened by the sweat of his hands, and the deep muffled laugh of his. i am utterly repulsed by the lack of respect that he has for me, and his lack of common courtesy. november 10th, 2006. yesterday. yesterday was a fine example of his indecency to me. in casual conversation, on our 3rd or 4th date he brings up my best friend. the one he openly calls hot. the one his best friend is dating. the one that i openly love and respect. he stares into my bloodshot eyes, sides of his mouth rolling upward and says "did lauren ever tell you she was great at giving head?" stop. stop now. save yourself before you set yourself on fire. "brian told me about it" your ahead. just stop now. "she can stick it so far in that..." do i have to scream any louder? can you not hear me or is this still funny? "that he can literally..." and by now, hes sitting alone. i don't want to hear this. i know why you're telling me this. i told you i didn't want to hear it. now let me explain why it's such a big deal. lauren is the type to have very high confidence in herself (self respect). the only person that i felt so ashamed and embarassed to tell her that i lost my virginty to a boy i dated for a month, and i swore he had mites, that i couldnt even bring myself to tell. this is like hearing that your mom took it in the ass. it's fine. i'll let it go.
but i am blessed with a group of friends that will stop beating each other, to comfort your tears with a hug. november 9, 2006. yesterday's yesterday. ah yes, yet another night for the story books. upon finding the key to the liquor cabinet, my friends lauren and david and i indulge ourselves in a couple of cocktails. in other words, we slamed 6 or 7 shots of grain alcohol and the rest of the night is a memory that i only remember every other word of. my other best friend shaunna, feels the need to protect the ladies of our very close friend david. a fist raised to his eye, moving back downwards for the 4th or 5th time and i find myself crying. to my left i see, the girl i have so much respect for, my best friend, kneeling on her knees, puking, screaming, bawling. "i'm not pretty." shes gorgeous. to the front of me i see my other closest friends, with vengeance in their eyes, staring back at one another. all i could think about was "what will i find tommorow? what will i wake up to? what will i say to them? what will they say to me?" and to say the least, that was the least of my problems. david, a nudge away from suicidal, looked as if he was possessed, running through the grass with barefeet screaming, primatively "just fucking kill me". the only reason why the words escaped his mouth, is because he had 2 more shots then i. but if i was 2 shots further along, im sure i would have been willing to help, if only he'd return the favor. rest assured, that we got him home, his girlfriend came to the rescue (although i may have been the one watching him the whole night, holding his hand and telling him that his life is worth living) but of course, she saved the day by just one wink of the eye. upon ditching me, my only confidant becomes my incoherent best friend. i told her how i really felt about life, how i've comed to notice that my drug experimentation is just a manifestation of the need i have to inflict pain on myself. the only reason why i had had the bravery to bring those words across my lips, and rolling to her ears, is because i was confident on the fact that she wouldnt remember a thing. a single thing. a single moment of her best friend, holding her hair back, telling her she was beautiful, because of how absoloutely terrified she was of having her hurt. but thats okae, i know that maybe one day, i'll find a friend that would do the same for me. maybe...one day.
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