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|fadingintoblue (profile) wrote, |
on 1-21-2007 at 11:11pm
|Subject: rambling that I will probably delete later
|Sometimes I really regret not having a decent grouping of friends in high school. I did have a group of people I ate lunch with. I was the only one with a decent family life and didn't have a lot to say while everyone else swapped stories of parental abuse. One of the people I ate with outed me cruelly to the rest of the group; she and I were instantly Not Friends anymore. Another left suddenly (stupid parents and religion). Another faded out of my life because she didn't trust me. Another I wasn't really all that close to, another and I just stopped really being friends, and the last one I'm quickly losing touch with.
I accept that my social skills sucked in high school. People had already made their minds up about me, so I didn't even try, even for people who might have liked me given a chance. I wasn't very likable, I suppose, unless you got to know me, and I wasn't easy to know. I had a couple friends, but I didn't get very close to most of them. I still don't really get close to people, not really. One of my best friends cruelly outed me to a group of people my junior year. Another lied constantly to me without even realizing that I knew she lied.
It's easier to accept that you're unlikable than try to make friends, particularly when you're hurt. I have had a bad track record. It seems like people always leave me, or betray my trust, or just decide I'm not worth time. It's probably a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And I'm still stuck in it. If I'm smart, I'll go see someone at Goucher for social anxiety. I need to get close to people, and I suck at it. Allison told me that I'm standoffish. I know I am, I just don't know how to stop standing off to the side and actually get into friendships (I always just fall into them).
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