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brucerey43 (profile) wrote,
on 9-20-2007 at 10:51pm
Current mood: crappy
Subject: The Cold Truth about things
Everyday I get up and I find a reason to keep going. Sometimes its easy, sometimes i know im loved and its all somehow worth it. Most of the time though, I keep going because I dont really want to die. I honestly feel like everytime i get close to anyone where i have an intrest of a relationship it goes to shit. I can count all my true friends on one hand. I don't want to struggle anymore, I feel more alone than anyone could ever imagine. My uncle and his wife are the extent of my family, I mean lets face it my dad is dead and my mom is in a homeless shelter and rehab facilty with 2 strokes. I really just want a normal life where I'm told im loved. Where I dont wake up everyday and want to drink, thats not to say that i always drink because i usually dont drink that much but nonetheless its depressing. I feel like my entire life, I have had to fight so hard and im just tired. I don't want to die but I don't want to live either.
You know something, I knew better than to tell her how i really felt. How i wanted to be with her just to go out to lunch on a date. I know no one meant to hurt me, but it did. I know she doesn't realize, or even to some extent she may not really care. I'm sorry but its almost insulting when everyone wants me to be their brother rather than their boyfriend. A lot of my guy friends tell me i should be more of an asshole and just get rid of people like that. I dont really in reality want that, but i feel like im constantly the one calling her and trying to do stuff and for once i just want her to try and make plans with me. Even as friends she doesn't seem to make the same effort as me sometimes.
I'm just tired of fighting, tired of trying to battle everything all alone. Maybe counseling is the anwser, I don't know. I know I have to do something differently though, I have to be able to go to bed without being like this anymore.
I keep telling myself it will all be okay in the hopes that it eventually will, but its not. I know im so far beyond okay that i dont even know where to start except with small steps. The few people who do care about me probably have no clue how to help me.
I've come to the conclusion that neither death or life fits me well right now so life wins out. I dont see any point in dieing, thats ridiculous. Living like this sure isn't much better though.
I'm going to sleep now.
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