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lisa3019 (profile) wrote,
on 11-5-2007 at 8:45am
Current mood: depressed as always
Subject: excerpts from my blogdrive for my woohu friends to read...
on July 29th my mom went to the hospital in ridiculous pain.
They thought it was gull stones...
They did some tests and a biopsy and found she had pancreatic cancer.
It's like, one of the worst to have because by the time they find it, it's too late..

Around the 10th of August or something we found out she had it and she was transferred to UMPC in PGH.
They said she didn't have long to live.. maybe a year with treatment.

We found a "miracle doctor" on KDKA.
Willing to go across the country for him, we were surprised when he was in Mon Valley. He operated on her there and it was hopeful. He removed all the cells and she was due for chemo.

...but things went wrong...
she caught an infection from being exposed for 12 hrs during surgery.
the infection basically shut all her organs down. Her bowel ducts, her kidneys, her liver, a perforated colon.. all this and all that.. they operated and she pulled through it all... at one point she was internally bleeding and it stopped itself...

They thought she was a miracle. She survived everything and SO much was going wrong for her. One thing would get better and something else would give up on her.
She wasn't too coherent and my dad said it was best for the kids not to go see her like that. She didn't know if we were there or not and if she had been aware, she wouldn't have wanted us to see her like that.

...but on October 8th my dad told me to come in..
she was sleepign but they told me she could hear me so i told her to please wake up and come home and that i missed her so much and that my baby (jayce) missed her so much and that she has to come home and be his grandma. (my boyfriends mom drives me nuts and i cant stand her) i told her please get better and everything.
i didnt want to leave but she had to have surgery on her bladder because it wasn't working...

I cried so hard that night and couldn't sleep.
It hurt me to see her there... it even hurt me when she was home with us and sick... she was in sooo much pain all she could do was lay in bed. I would just lay with her all day...

The next day... I went out to my friend's house and then got sad and wanted to go home. My boyfriend was watching the baby so I went to his house and picked him up and said I needed to go home...
My boyfriend was nervous because I never wanted to go home while my mom wasn't there.. but somethign felt wrong.

THe phone rang after I'd been there 20 minutes. It was my mom's nurse telling me we needed to be there with her because they were having trouble with her heart rate...

I cried and begged my dad to let me go.
He said I needed to stay home for when my little sister and brother came home from school.
My dad called and said she was fine and he would call me back.
My brother, sister and I were all sitting in the lviignr oom when he walked in and told us that he had to talk to us.. he was crying. my sister jumped up and yelled, "NO!" he hugged my brother and said "mom didnt make it..."

i can't even remember the rest of the day..
or barely remember the funeral...

i know now exactly why God has given jayce to me.
he had given me the best gift he could before taking away the best person i've ever known... Jaycen Marish is the reason I am holding myself up through this struggle.
He is my rock and my entire life.

There is so much I could say about the loss of my mom and yet words could not explain how I feel about losing someone who had the greatest impact on my life...
The reason I have life....

....i'll see you again, someday...

Friday, October 26, 2007
the entry i never thought i could write.

babe smiles first thing in the morning and that makes me happy
but then i look over to my mom's chair at the kitchen table and then drink my coffee and watch Ellen Degeneres by myself. I get sad again because that's something we always did together.

what makes me sad the most?
Muna will never be Jayce's favorite grandma because she is someone he will only know through what we tell him.
He may wish he got to know her but she can never be his favorite because he will never know how she really was.
That's why my dad says we will have him grow to be the way she wanted him to grow.
To know that people have hurt feelings, so you have to always be nice and watch what you say.
To know the difference between the people you can help and the people you can't change and have to accept, instead.
To teach him to believe in God and go to church because that is the only way any of us will meet her again.

You know how they say to live every day like it's your last because you never know what to expect?
Well that is more true than you could ever imagine.
"A minute spent mad at someone is a minute of love you can never get back."
..those minutes don't add up until you realize you can never show that person how much you love them ever again.
In the last year, I've brought a beautiful, wonderful, happy baby boy into the world, I just started probation for something that I did almost two years ago, I moved out onto my own for the first time with my new family, I've gotten more close with both of my dads than I ever thought I would be, I heard the devastating news that my mom, my best friend in the whole world, has cancer, then even more devastating I heard the news that she only had a year or so more to live... about two months later I lost my mom, my best friend in the whole world; my son's grandma, his "muna" who I had been helping me through everythnig that was going wrong in my life (which basically seemed liek everything).

I really thought that if the day would come, I would definitely choose not to live anymore because, like I've said before in previous entries, I can't live without my mom.
..but then I realized how much the rest of my family needed me.
what would happen to babe?
would my dad start drinking? who would take care of liz and shawn?
and how would everyone be able to deal with two losses??

But now I know that you just have to take everything life throws at you and you just have to live.
You have to accept everything, good and bad and make yourself into a stronger person.
I know that I have to be the person my mom wanted me to be and teach babe to be the person he needs to be.

Every day is a struggle.
..but every day it gets one step easier.
If I think about her too long, I cry too hard.
but each time I cry a little bit less and remember that she wants me to be happy for her because she is where she has wanted to be for SO long.

I didn't know when I would be able to write this entry but I'm glad I have now.
My biological dad told me that some of the things I was thinking before are things I shouldn't hold in my mind because they're things I can't change.

This happened for a reason. "No one here is smart enough to know how our lives should be." --the Bible says something like that. I just can't think of the verse.
Maybe God saw something in her future that he knew she wouldn't be able to take?
--My gram said that to me right before my dad told me that the doctors found cancer everywhere in her body. The infection took over too fast before chemo could start and without the chemo the cancer spread all through her body.
..Maybe God took her from us so she didn't have to fight anymore. My mom was definitely strong enough but she didn't deserve to have to live her life fighting.
Like the Bible says.. no one is smart enough to know why.. but if you do what you need to do.. you will see her again.

Two months doesn't sound short.. but when you're losing the person you love more than ANYTHING in the WORLD.. two months comes in the blink of an eye.

You need to realize what you have and CHERISH it. You have to recognize the people that LOVE you and LOVE them back. The people that don't? You need to FORGIVE them and move on.. everyone has problems and my mom has always said, "hurting people hurt people." You can hate someone for simple reasons.
Life isn't about that. Life is about living the best you can and being the best person you can and knowing what you're going to do when it's OVER.

Posted at 1:12 pm by meehan0125
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