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a-demons-angel (profile) wrote, on 1-11-2008 at 1:33pm | |
Current mood: (Please let this work, please let her understand) Music: Staind - Fade Subject: Grrr... |
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I'm not as uplifted and hopeful as I was a few hours ago... I guess mostly because I realize now I don't know the details or particulars of what I'm trying to do. It might not even work.. =/ I really hope it does though, and I really hope she understands I'm so tired of this being about a graduation ceremony and people putting so much emotional value on it. Its such boggess. Congradulate me when I'm graduating with a PhD in veternary medicine and procedures or something for God's sake. When I've actually worked hard and actually ACCOMPLISHED something. I mean, most people are capable of graduating highschool. But anyway... ~sigh~ I'm tired of being depressed... And its not even something I can help. Well... "help" in theory I can't stop reliving the pain of her either. Maybe the reason I always go back to look is because I really really hope it won't be there. That she'll have removed all of it. And maybe its also because Deep down inside I really, really want more than anything for those months to magically undo themselves and cease to exist. Because that is a pain that I don't think will dull with time. Everything else I experienced, from Norris dying to Oct-Nov of 06, that I was able to heal from, and they didn't leave any deep scars. But... But with everything that happened involving her. Everything still going on. Sometimes I just feel like my heart was mangled, but somehow left still beating and still capable of immense love. But I just feel like unless she is erased from my life, past and present, then I'll never get better. And that isn't going to happen. And maybe I could heal if she would just let go and let her heart heal and forget. But she won't. And so here I am. So unbelievably happy yet still so broken. And I'm sorry, but how could you do unto me something similar to what was done unto you? I don't understand it my love, I don't. <3 |
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