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a-demons-angel (profile) wrote,
on 2-5-2008 at 7:26pm
Music: I can hear the dial-up sound in my head. Its hurting.
Subject: I really need
Some sort of closure.

I don't know what to do.

I can't get her of my mind.

And its really just... driving me into the ground pretty hard.

Back then, I was so desperate to do everything I could so that I could have a future with you. It was so easy to tell myself
"This will be over soon, I just have to deal with it for now, and suck it up, and then I can have my hope and my love back" and just push all thoughts of what you had with her to the back of my mind and just focus on trying to make you happy

And now I have you in a way that I never had before.
I never had you like this.
Now I feel like you've actually given me your heart to hold this time.
Laid it in my hands, and entrusted me with it.
And the only time I ever felt anything close to this was when we first got together, but then I was just so afraid I would somehow hurt you, and it was such a big fear because how badly you had been hurt.
But then you said "She's afraid she'll hurt me, but I know she cannot. She is incapable"
And I realized you were right. I could never hurt you.
But somewhere along the line I realized the reason I couldn't hurt you was not because I wasn't willing, it was because I didn't have the power to.
You kept me close to your heart
But its like you kept your heart locked in a box wrapped up in thick chains, placed it in my lap and said "Here. Hold this." and ran off.
And it was mine, but yet, I couldn't get to it.

But anyway.. Enough of my analogies.

You finally gave me everything I wanted and everything I wouldn't allow myself to hope for.

And now I truly have you.

I find myself at a standstill between my future with you and our recent past.

I guess its like...

I have a heaven on earth to look forward to, but hell is what I look back on, and hell is spiteful and angry I was able to escape and ascend, and is haunting me.

So I don't know.

I just really need closure...

Maybe I just need to talk to you about it more.

If that's what I needed for it to stop hurting, would you do that for me? I know its not something that is fun or enjoyable.

But if its what I needed would you?

I love you

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