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brutisimo (profile) wrote,
on 2-2-2009 at 12:12am
Music: the lonely island
Subject: not fair
"But that's the part that's so unfair. I have nothing else on
my mind. How come I have to be the one sitting around
analyzing him in like microscopic detail, and he gets to be
the one with other things on his mind."

So tis is exacl how I feel, oh and also pathetic...i feel pathetic too.

Anne predictd nothing would happen til i am 30...nice round number and also completly possible considering what a chicken I am and that he seems to be completly indifferent. The problem is really that I have NO IDEA if he even thinks about this at all. The really unfortunate part is that I feel like it is all in my mind. When we lock eyes I don't kow what he is thinking, don't know if he sees me the way he always has or if things are finally shifting. And he does, he looks into my eyes, semi-often. We hang out without other people now too. But HE never calls ME, eiher i call im unasked or asked, never the other way around. And he never touches me, not really even accidentally. He keeps a distance that makes me hesitate. It is weird because I know him in this way tha not many people do, but that is the exact thing that makes me uneasy. I like how things are and I also hate this torture I am inflicting on myself.

It really sucks that i am carrying around this Rob baggage still. i mean it has been over a year since that shit wnet down, but I still second guess myself all the time. pangs of memory will hit me and I will just spiral. I tied so much up into him that really I cant think of Prague, Kalamazoo, writing and a muliue of other things withough cringing, sometimes physically. There are 2 things wrong with this, well ther are more than that, but there are 2 i will address here and now. The first being that some of the things he tainted(haha) were things that i reall enjoyed before, the second is that i am not completely sure I didnt make up tat whole relationship too. Was it even real or did i imbue it with meaking it had never earned? Was there ever anything really there or did I just want it to exist so much I deluded myself? i am really afraid all the time that no one will ever look at me like he did again, but what if I completely misread that look to begin with? He hurt me really badly, but I don't think he even realized it, so does that make him a dumbass, or does it make me one?

(that is a retorical question, you don't have to say him)

I know i shouldnt still be thinking about him even, but in that stupid drama i lost 2 people who were helping me shape a different me and then I sort of lost that person too. i feel like i gave so much of myself hat when i lost him i lost me. I have been searching for something to fill the void ever since and I dont want to need someone else in order to do that, I want to make myself whole again on my own so that if I find someone, I can love myself enough for them to love me.

the bottom line is that i can analyze all i wan but nothing has happened and nothing is likely to happen in the near future, so i have time.




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michellestar

02-02-09 8:56pm

Your angsty entry written in Alicia-speak makes me sad. I'm sorry about the aforementioned douchebag. I didn't know you still had trouble with it sometimes, but it's not surprising...douchies will do that to ya. Well, all of us girls at Sterling had some winners in our lives at some point, so I guess the circle completed itself. I don't know this new guy so I can't give advice but I hope the best for you. Just follow your own light.

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