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| anytngbtordinary (profile) wrote, on 7-16-2009 at 3:02pm | |
| It took me like an hour to get in here. Why did I spend so long trying to enter an online journal I hadn't seen in 4 years you ask? No clue. It might be because every now and them I am catching weird whiffs of high school in the air. I suppose that happens when you become a townie. Funny that this is my go-to journal writing style. I guess I always liked separating thoughts by gaps. As I'm sure any of you reading this know, re-entering an old journal requires you to re-enter the mind of your past self. Re-read the old posts, re-read your friends old posts, reread the various comments. I have to say that re-reading made me bored. We were all the same. Our minds combined to form one massive blob of self-pity and teenage angst. "Our powers combined..." Except we didn't save the planet. Too busy wallowing. So where am I now? Far beyond what I was? Perhaps. I am no longer driven by a need for drama or hatred of myself. No, fear is behind the wheel now. Like that Incubus song. I'm terrified of pushing myself forward. Here I am, a college graduate of 2 months and I still have no idea what to do. I found this in a freshman year of college journal entry: "And why they hell did I choose zoology?! Who was I kidding? I can't do this! What a dumb career path! What do I think I can do with this?" All valid thoughts as it turns out. Luckily I ended up adding on Environmental Science, but in this job market...psh. I need money but I also need more experience. I'm just slightly terrified of beginning my life. What if I start out in the wrong field for the wrong reasons? What if I never end up loving what I do? Life is scary because I feel that people never get what they want out of it. I fear I won't ever get to travel again. I fear that I won't make a difference. I fear that I won't let myself live up to my full potential...or an even bigger fear....maybe this is my full potential. At least at this point in my life, I have a better idea of who I am. Maybe. -Jackie |
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