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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 9-28-2013 at 8:16pm
Subject: rambles.
The only thing I feel like doing right now is writing, which is weird for me. Because I don't usually write. I just think and mull and think and ponder, never put the thoughts down on paper. But right now, I am inspired, even if it's just to ramble.

I've been giving a lot of thought to trying to better understand myself as a human being. I want to know my inner workings, what makes me happy, what makes me upset, how to deal with my own thoughts, how to create an environment I can flourish in. Basically I want to be a better version of myself. The best version of myself I can be, I want to be it right now. It's a process, discovering what makes me, me. I learned today that I do best with few earthly possessions. I just need what I need to survive and not much fluff. Having too many "things" seriously overwhelms me, a lot. For example, in the morning when I'm getting ready for work or school or what not, having too many clothing options makes me nervous/anxious and I spend copious amounts of extra time trying on different outfits. Only to decide on what I already had on in the first place. Granted, I know there is some self-confidence piece to this puzzle too. But the sheer amount of options makes me feel as I said, overwhelmed. I start to feel bad if I don't wear my clothes, as if they have feelings and they are hurt that I'm choosing that shirt over this one.
I am trying to bring myself to be free of worldly attachments. There is something to be said for people who have achieved this. The great old US of A and probably parts of Europe also has this notion that if you don't have the best car, phone, laptop, house, etc, you aren't a happy person. We judge one another by material wealth, we judge our society by material wealth. Don't tell me you have never gone out somewhere and looked at some one and thought "Hey, they have a Lululemon jacket, they must be rich!" My point exactly. Material wealth is fleeting. It all breaks and falls apart sometime. I was reminded of this when my favorite pair of pants ripped in the crotch. At work of course. (Because that's always when that stuff happens, when you're out in public.) And I keep toying with the idea of getting a new pair but I finally convinced myself I have four other pairs of pants to wear, which is plenty for a five day work week. Will I really benefit my own personal growth by getting a new pair of pants? Probably not.
That's where I'm trying to go now. Personal growth. Not wardrobe growth, not bank account growth. Personal growth.
Because in the end, when the pants rip and the money is gone. I will still be here.
It's hard to not want things, items when all the media is screaming at you, BUY THIS! YOU NEED THIS! Remember how I said I get overwhelmed when I have too many clothes?
Imagine how overwhelmed I get when I have huge influxes of information flooding my brain.
It's not a pretty picture, I can tell you that much. It makes me want to scream and rip my hair out.
Which is weird because I hunger for knowledge and want to always know more but the more I know the more I feel like I want to bang my head against the wall.
It's a challenge being an introvert.
The beautiful thing about being human is that I can choose to not take part in societies rambles and information over-load. I can say no to buying clothes, to having the latest phone, the latest computer, the latest running gadget.
I can say no to all of that and just be free. I have that power.
Speaking of power, I think that scares me, being in control. For my whole life I was under the control of another person. I was emotionally abused. I was bullied. All of these things happened that made me the victim. And I've been treating myself as the victim. The damsel in distress. I need to realize that I have control over certain parts of my life. Not everything mind you but my thoughts and emotions and reactions. I can control those and not let them spin out of control.
One of my favorite blogs to read is the Bloggess. Jenny Lawson is as real as it gets when it comes to talking about depression and anxiety. One of her famous quotes is "depression lies" and it does! It makes me feel like I don't have control when I really do. I can choose. And that is still a power that I am coming to terms with using.
I feel like a superhero who has just acquired a new power. It's still mysterious to me and still a little scary to use but slowly, I'm being to use it and slowly I am taking back my thoughts and my emotions. I am taking back me.
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