|Add Memory | Add To Friends|
|srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote, |
on 10-6-2013 at 3:43pm
|Subject: walking around the entire pond.
|I have neglected half of my pond, I have looked at it's weed ridden paths, it's rough gravel walkways and turned the other way. Ignoring it, as if it's not there. Every time I walk through myself, I walk on the beautiful side of the pond, only looking ahead and when the ugly appears, I turn around and walk back. Wanting to stay on the side of beauty, wanting to ignore the ugliness, the hurt, the pain.
But what if from now on, I walked all the way around the pond and in the midst of the ugly, could look across the pond and still see the beauty? See it from another perspective.
Everyone of us has a shadow, something within ourselves that we don't allow to get out. It's always lurking there and every time it appears, it gets repressed, reprimanded for being there. But what if for once instead of turning our shadow away when it knocked on the door of our soul, we let it in? Invited it to dine with us? Sat and talked with it?
There's part of myself that I get frustrated with every time it appears. It's this depressed, anxious, fearful monster that tends to appear every weekend. And sometimes throughout the week. Mainly I think the weekends though. And I try so hard to repress it down but lately I've just been allowing it to come, allowing to feel sad and anxious and trying to sit with it. Ponder it, explore it's inner workings so I know it. So I know me. Because this is part of me that isn't going away, no matter how hard I try. Next time it knocks, maybe I can invite it in and tell it to wait until I'm back in time for dinner, then we can talk.
What am I afraid of? What in life paralyzes me so badly I can't function? I am afraid of relationships, I am afraid of getting close to people. I am afraid I'm not good enough. I am afraid of pain. I am afraid of aggressiveness. I am afraid of confrontation. I am just afraid. It's not little Kalie anymore who is afraid. It's this shadow that is here. The shadow is fear itself.
All of this stems from my childhood and I am trying so hard to not blame what happened then on my behavior now. I guess there is a difference between blame and acceptance. I accept what happened to me and now I need to work on getting over it.
I'm afraid of being alone. Of being left. Of not being loved by a man. So I hold onto a relationship that isn't serving me out of fear. I hold onto old habits, out of fear.
I am afraid to live my life the way I want it. I'm afraid I'll be a disappointment. But the only disappointment I'm being is to myself and that's not okay.
|Post A Comment