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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 11-17-2013 at 4:55pm
Subject: i cant keep up
That's what it feels like sometimes, I can't keep up and all I want to do is give up. I have stopped trying to understand what triggers these feelings. I ride high for awhile and then come crashing down. Down and down until I'm stuck, looking up at the starry sky wishing I could get back out. Sometimes though, I like sitting here looking at the starry sky. There's beauty and safety in this place, it's dark and I'm alone and some days that's ok. Today it's okay that I'm there. I used to try and claw my way out thinking this bottomless pit was unacceptable. Until today, I stopped clawing and just learned to sit back and enjoy the stars.
I can't fix it all, this is part of me that I can't fix. Honestly, part of me doesn't want to fix this part of myself. Part of me likes it. Maybe that's twisted, maybe I'm not supposed to like the darkness. But with darkness there is always light. There is so much beauty in the darkness. Beauty in the breakdown, in the suffering. I want to breath and to feel and in order to do that I have to feel all parts of myself. Even the numb, angry and dark parts. I have to venture down that rabbit hole to become a better version of myself, to find my strength but also to find my peace. Sometimes the road gets tough and I don't know why. But that's okay. I am okay. Maybe not at this specific moment but tomorrow I'll be okay. Or the next day. It doesn't have to be right now.
I've been thinking about a lot of heavy things lately trying to make sense of who I am as a person. My dad has come up in my thoughts lately, especially since I recently just ended a relationship with a man who was like him in so many ways. It feels like salt is being rubbed in that wound. I try and put on a strong face and say it's okay but it's not. I hurt. I haven't let it all go. I've only pushed it away so I wouldn't have to deal with it because it hurts so much. I miss him. Part of me misses and still loves my father and part of me wants to fix what happened. The other part of me wants him dead so I don't have to think about it anymore. Am I allowed to feel both? I want to be a good hearted person and say I've forgiven him but I don't think I have. He tore our family apart, he tore me apart. How do you forgive someone who has done that to a person? I want to but part of me is too scared and hurt. What does forgiveness even mean? When I was going to church I forgave him but recently I haven't felt that way. Maybe once I forgive myself, I can find salvation in that. Forgiving myself and my imperfections.
All I know is as I sit here and look at the stars I remind myself it'll be okay. In the end, no matter how much darkness there is, the stars always shine.
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