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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 11-28-2013 at 6:35pm
Subject: addictions.
We all have them right? From time to time, they sneak up on us and then envelop us with their long shadowed fingers. Maybe this doesn't qualify as an addiction, maybe it does, it feels addictive.

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with a mild-form of binge eating disorder. I don't puke and don't spend endless hours in the gym trying to work it off. But I do eat without control, until the food becomes tasteless, until my stomach feels like it will burst. Until I have to take off my pants because I'm so bloated. I do it in the comfort of my own home and if I do it in public I use the excuse "Well, I'm a distance runner, I can eat like this." And then make a point to log extra miles the next day with very little caloric intake. I have been struggling with this for a long time and I never really cared until recently. All of a sudden I feel like I've hit rock bottom with it.
In our lunch room at work, we have snacks for sale, one of my coworkers uses them as a fund-raiser. It works on the honor system, you take one, you put the money in. Usually the same day but sometimes it's acceptable to put the money in the next day. I was feeling peckish and wanted a snack so I put my money in and took one. Then this overwhelming feeling to have more set in, for no reason at all. I took another, then another, the another, all while making sure no one would walk in to see my gluttonous behavior. Now, part of me says well, that was stress related, you were feeling something. No. I wasn't. I ate the first snack and then felt... like this monster inside me said "MOAR!" And I couldn't stop. Even though I kept telling myself to calm down and to hold back, something inside me kept driving the need for food, even though I was full.
Fast forward to that night, I wanted muffins, so I baked some. I enjoy the process of baking immensely. And after they came out of the oven, I ate one. Thought they tasted kind of different and not in a good way. So I ate another, and another, then another. Then took a break for a bit and then couldn't stop thinking about them no matter what I distracted myself with. Those muffins were the only thing on my mind, so I ate them all except for 2. 10 muffins.
Of course the next day I felt so guilty about it, I went on a hard bike ride and restricted my diet to control the damage.

This has been an endless cycle for years and I've always thought that it was due to the fact that I have other issues. Body image issues, childhood issues, etc. etc. But I've been working on those, I've been making meaningful friendships, I've been taking care of myself, I've been staring at myself in the mirror naked, telling myself that I love myself just the way I am. Even if one of my boobs is lopsided or if my stomach has a layer of insulation over it. I've been trying to concentrate on strength, endurance and ability, not weight. Not food.
But I can't stop thinking about it.

Today is Thanksgiving, I got invited to peoples houses and I didn't go. Because I didn't want to let my eating get out of control, that's the real reason. I will tell people that I wanted to be alone, I wanted it this way but the truth is, I am embarrassed by how much I eat and that I have a hard time stopping. I am embarrassed by my obsession with food.
I was always silent about it, until today. Until now. I am done being silent.

Hi, my name is Kalie and I have a binge-eating disorder.
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