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|srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote, |
on 5-11-2014 at 5:48pm
|Subject: a letter to my mother.
I don't get the chance to say any of this enough. I am sorry. I love you. I'm sorry for how I abruptly left. I understand how much that hurt you. I'm the one person you counted on for support after your and dads divorce. I'm sorry I wasn't there when my little brother threw his fit and hit you.
But I couldn't do it anymore. I had to go off on my own. I had to leave the nest. I wasn't going to be able to fly without spreading my wings. The wings you helped me grow. If it wasn't for your strength and for your sacrifice I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I am who I am because of you. I am strong because you wouldn't let me be anything else. I am optimistic because you said you always have to look on the bright side of life, that things aren't always as bad as they seem to be. My heart is big because your heart was big. You gave us everything and in return asked for nothing. You put yourself in harms way to make sure we were safe when things got violent. When I was being bullied you marched into that school and you demanded that they did something about it. You wouldn't rest until they did. And what do you know? A new policy was instated, because of you. Instead of putting yourself first after the divorce, you put us first. You could have bought yourself a new car or paid off all your debt. But instead you made sure we had fun vacations so we could try and move on from the horror that was now behind us. You fought so hard for us in court to make sure we wouldn't be in harms way. When I moved across the country, you were mad and hurt. And I understand. Yet you still made sure I had money to make my rent and the ability to put food on the table. I was so stubborn and didn't want your help, I wanted to make it on my own but you were there every step of the way. When I'd call you in tears, you'd be mad for awhile but then offer advice or encouraging words. Every year you come visit, to make sure I'm okay. You send me care packages of canned goods and treats. Almost every marathon I've run you've been there to see me off, to hold me up after the finish because I can't walk. You've always been my biggest fan, when things aren't going my way, you always tell me to rally and that it'll be okay. You don't give up. You work hard. You always try and do the right thing, even if it leaves you hurting.
You've supported me every step of the way of my journey. Even though we've fought, yelled and cried. I always know at the end I can call you when things get tough and you'll be there.
Being a mother is the most difficult thing I can imagine. Sacrificing your whole life to watch your kids grow up and not need you anymore. Well mom, I need you. I will always need you. Maybe not right now but the next time I fall down, the next time my wings break, I'll need you to help stitch them back together. I don't always agree with what you say or what you do but I know it comes from a good place. And I know you'll always have my back, no matter what my decision because you raised me. And you know that it'll all turn out alright.
I love you mom. Happy Mother's Day.
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You know how sometimes you read something written by someone else, and it's as if you wrote it but just don't recall doing so -- and, in fact, it's exactly what you need to read in that moment?