Add Memory | Add To Friends
kit_katt (profile) wrote,
on 3-21-2003 at 9:26pm
Current mood: Hopeless, that's how everything is.
Music: I wish I were the rain-SheDaisy
Subject: I hate being an actress, a jester for the will of men
Tears are shed,
Behind the smile.
Laughter is fed,
Behind the cry of sorrow.

I wish that I could show my emotions more. I was so terribly upset all day today, and I couldn't even show it, I was afraid to be sad, because so many people want to see my smile. (I hate my smile). I hate my mind too. Its always thinking, working, complicating everything. I hate it. Why couldn't I have just sat quiet? I knew that my saying something would not make Connie see herself any differently, it didn't last year, why would it now? But she doesn't understand that the reason I can't be around her is because I can't stand the pressure that it puts me up against. Its not that she "makes" me feel like I can't be a Christian, but then she does, because my ways are not her ways, and since she really won't bend to mine, I have to bend to hers. I guess that's the best way I can describe it. And lately, I started to break. I found myself starting to do things I wouldn't normally do, and I didn't like it. I knew I was picking up habits that I shouldn't. I was letting her sharpen me, instead of the other way around, and I knew then, that I had given up, that I had descided that she didn't want me to help her, so I wasn't going to anymore. That's why I distanced myself, because I didn't see any point in me having a close relationship with her when she came to me for advice, but didn't follow it through, or got upset with me when I told her things that she didn't want to hear (she may not have realized it, but she did. I could tell by her actions and tones when she spoke to me). Brianna, she was just an answer to a prayer that God blessed me with. There I was, unable to support my best friend the way that she wanted to be supported, so I was not a friend at all. Connie and I had singled ourselves out of others after our three years together, so I really had no one else to turn too, but then God gave me Brianna, who I am thankful everyday. Its not that she was a better friend or anything, she just...wanted what I was able to give her. Connie had gone past what I was able to give her. So I couldn't be a friend to her. I wanted to, but I realized I was holding on to something that didn't exist. ( I am NOT going to cry. I have to leave soon, people need to see my smile). I hate my mind. I hate tears, and I hate my smile. I hate the light that shines on me! Making me have to be different then everyone else! I hate this room! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A fallen Jesus Girl
Post A Comment


03-21-03 10:06pm

I'm sorry Kate. I didn't realize...... I'm sorry for trying to bend you to my ways *and no i'm not being sarcastic, it's all i can do not to cry* I'm sorry for not listening to you or doing what you thought I should. I usually rebel against what people tell me to do cause I don't like being told. well... I still and alawys will love you Kate. And I'll always remember our friendship. it was teh best.

(reply to this)


....., 03-21-03 10:31pm

Ya know.. for you to say that you "cant be a Christian" is bs. Because from the way you talk your basically saying that you can only hang out with "christians that act christian 24/7" well im sorry to say it but there is no such person, nobody is perfect, sure you show your faith more than me or connie or others but ya know i really dont see how you are being pressured or anything..if you are being pressured its because you have some type of shame that you are a christian and feel that you can only be one if you are surrounded by other christians. I have 3 friends that are Athiest, like 4 that are catholic/lutherin and friends that follow other religions but that doesnt "pressure" me, because like when justin (who claims to be athiest) or somone else questions or says somthing about god or how they dont belive i dont let that bother me, i just try to explain to them what i have come to belive, and i dont try to force it down there throats either, just because connie didnt hang on every word and peice of advice you tried to give her, it is not our job as christians to try ad force people to come to god, we are to plant the seed and help as much as we can but trying to force things into people is not going to help, it is easier for you or I to belive in god because we have went to church since we were little kids. Sure you tried to help her but there is only so much we can do, planting the seed and letting them come to us or god when they have questions is the best way to deal with things, i have been trying to get a friend to become a christian for almost 5 years now but he still hasnt, but he is kinda starting to come around, he goes to church with me now and then and things like that..I planted the seed and its starting to grow. I didnt try to force it on him, if i were to do so he would have completly denied it. Now im not pointing fingures or taking sides i just kinda find it hard to belive that you are being pressured and feel like you cant be a christian because of certain people, that just shows to me that your letting what other people think effect your beliefs and it makes you uncomfortable..but i duno maybe all these pills im on is just making me ramble and i could be wrong..but its just my opionion.. but yeah sure we all dont like to have to be diffrent that everyone else because we are christians, but if we stay strong than other people will see that light on us and then will want to be a part of what makes us so strong. you just have to not let what others think influence you.


(reply to this)


Re: ....., 03-22-03 12:31am

Yes Chris, I agree that you can't force a person to believe what you or other believe. But I don't think that Kate was forcing Connie to become a Christian. Christians that try and force others to believe them are what turn people off to religion. But ya know, sometimes we just want to have our friends feel the way we do, because it feels so good. And it's really hard not to start doing what the person you hang out with all the time does. I know, I've done it plenty of times. And I guess sometimes we have to single out how long we hang out with them, and still be our own person if that's the case. But what do I know? I'm not in Cedar!

(reply to comment)


Re: ....., 03-22-03 12:38am

"Iron sharpens Iron"~ That has always been an important phrase to me because it is true. Connie thank you for understanding. I don't want to never talk to you again or anything, please don't act like this is the end, I just need to be able to sharpen myself before I can continue to sharpen others.

Chris, thank you for making me feel horrible. You have achieved your goal of shooting me down and making me feel like a horrible person in a battle that is not even yours. So yeah, thank you. But I'm sorry that you find mynot being able to be a good Christain with no christian influense a problem. It wasn't Connie's fault, it was mine. I said that. I had given up, to me it wasn't worth it anymore because I had been fighting with her for three years about it and had really gotten no where. I'm sorry that I didn't fight hard enough----You know what? Screw this. Screw everything. Maybe I have to go hurt myself for people to get the picture. I am so freaking sick of being happy and everything. I am sick of being Miss Advice, when no one gives a rats crap about what I have to say. So you know what Chris? You are absolutly right. I am a terrible Christian, I am faithless, shallow, and care only what people think of me. Oh yeah, its 12:38 in the morning, I had an emotional breakdown in my car over this, and I feel completely degraded. So if none of this makes since....I don't care. For once in my life, I really don't. (Now tomorrow I will probably be a bit better, I don't know though, so I wouldn't count on it.)

(reply to comment)


Re: Re: ....., 03-22-03 1:52am

yeah, i know...she wasnt forcing connie or anything..i shouldnt have tried to use that as an that i look back at what i said i feel like an ass cause i have no idea why i said any of that.. stupid pills...ive been on too many of em today...

(reply to comment)


*sighs*, 03-22-03 1:57am

Im really sorry kate, i dont even know why i even said any of that..i just need to keep my mouth shut..*smacks self* and no your not a bad christian or anything..i wasnt trying to come acrossed like that or in any way you took it..heck i dont even know what point i was even trying to get acrossed...i guess thats what happends when i get really bored and have taken too many paint effects my little brain all to much and now i feel really bad for saying all that and making you feel bad..cause it was really uncalled for... Damn i just need to learn to keep my mouth shut and think about things before i start to ramble..i guess i was just a lil upset/concerned cause connie has had a bad few days latly and she said somthing about you and stuff then i read your journal and yeah.... ack..

im really really sorry..i guess there isnt that great of an excuse for what i said..leave it to my big mouth and lil brain to cause me to lose more friends...


(reply to comment)


Re: *sighs*, 03-22-03 10:01pm

Its okay Chris, I understand. I am worried about Connie too. These past few days haven't been a real walk in the park for me either. I wasn't exactly in the best of moods when I replied to you either, so I'm sorry for making you feel bad, but I was on the edge of edges and had snapped more then once. So we can forgive and forget, okay?

Oh yeah, thanks for standing up for me, Jack. Love you much, hun.


(reply to comment)