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|mystery (profile) wrote, |
on 4-4-2003 at 12:34am
|Current mood: amused
Subject: when my mother snapped, she sounded like a dr. bronners soap bottle.
|"all-one or none!"
aunt jenn was worried because she hasn't been nearby the past five, six years or so since mom's been exploring spirituality of every non-traditional form she can get her hands on. so she thought it was clear proof that my mother was delusional when she told her "this week has made me believe in god," "candy wright was a god-woman like jesus christ was a god-man," and other such pronouncements. it was the jesus reference that really scared aunt jenn. she doesn't know the context, the years of coffee mornings where we all learned how to meet each other's ways of seeing "god" with open eyes and hearts. "what i call all, what some people call god" was another thing my mother said many times in those two weeks of chaos. i know perfectly well she was manic and that was unhealthy. but she was never delusional. she always gets over-excited and believes everything she's told without stopping to think about it when she's hearing something new about the nature of god.
i want to be able to tell people about all this, all this that happened to me, that happened in my life, that just because she was manic doesn't mean what she was saying wasn't right, but i'm afraid anything i tell anyone -- and i mean ANYONE -- will only convince them that she's seriously psychotic and maybe i am too.
i know jeff kimmel will probably think for the rest of his life that my mother is seriously delusional and maybe schizophrenic. and that doesn't bother her. it bothers me. i want people to know the fucking truth and i don't want to endure their condescension and their fucking misplaced sympathy but i know there's no way they'll ever hear me so i give up.
i wish there was someone in the world who might listen with an open mind and understand that there are such things as miracles. candy would have. i know that much.
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I really like how you write, it makes me think. Think about how un-messed up my life is in comparison to others. You must be a very strong person to withstand people's criticism about your mother. That shows great character to me, and I just wanted to thank you for giving me hope. If you can handle that then I know that I can handle anything.
i believe you, corita.