-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
-I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?
-Practice safe snacking - use condiments.
-Drink wet cement - get stoned.
-Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
-[seen above a urinal] Your child’s future is in your hands.
-Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time...I think I’ve forgotten this before…
-They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
-Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.